Saturday, 28 September 2013

How low can you go?

One of the few things that stuck in my mind from A Level English and Geoffrey Chaucer's intolerably dull 'Monk's Tale' was the Wheel of Fortune - a concept in medieval and ancient philosophy referring to the capricious nature of Fate.  The idea that we all have positions on the wheel and Fortuna, the goddess of fortune, spins the wheel at random and when it stops turning, your position determines your fate.  Those at the bottom of the wheel suffer great misfortune, while those at the top gain good fortune.  For the past twenty-something years, I have imagined myself on this wheel and when I feel life is treating me well, I wonder at what point the wheel will be spun again and I will sink to the bottom, and vice versa.  Over the past three months I have felt myself sinking further and further to the bottom of the wheel, each week hoping that I had finally hit the bottom and could at last start rising again, only to descend further.

This week I believe I encountered ground zero and imploded under the stress of my job.  Although I am working my notice, the pressure escalated  rather than abated in the lead up to a major event, and although I have been crying out for help, it has felt as though anyone who could have helped had averted eyes and hands clasped firmly over their ears.  I have never felt so unsupported, isolated and helpless in a work environment.  Each week I have seen my confidence, positivity and happiness sapped from me and this week I realised I was no longer me anymore.  This was reinforced by a complete loss of appetite - although on the plus side weight loss has been a benefit of this emotional apocalypse.

On Friday the sun came out literally and metaphorically and I took the first positive steps to finding me and my direction again.  After such a tumultuous confidence battering, I am left questioning everything and my head is overflowing with questions about my future path that I'm not ready to answer yet.  What I have learnt over the past three months is not to throw myself back into the first thing that presents itself to me, but to take some proper time out to define what I want from my life and what I want to do.  Writing is high on my list, so I intend to spend the next couple of months attempting to complete my book and if nothing else, I will finally satisfy that desire!

Also, I intend to start appreciating and exploring this wonderful, vibrant, exhilarating city I am lucky enough to live in.    This started today with a wander down some back streets where I stumbled across the masterpieces of Hong Kong's answer to Banksy.

So, please Fortuna, start to show some compassion and start spinning that wheel a little bit more favourably so I can pick myself up and start over again.

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