Is it possible to dance sober?

Back at the start of January I wrote my ‘goodbye letter to alcohol’ which laid out my reasons for stopping drinking and highlighted the things I was most afraid of without alcohol by my side. I was scared my husband wouldn't want to be married to a teetotal wife; I was afraid my friends would find me boring; I was fearful I'd never have the confidence to dance on a table or belt out karaoke again; and I was scared no one would choose to hang out with me.  However over the past 10 months I have realised that David and my marriage runs far deeper than a vat of Merlot.  In fact through banishing alcohol, I have also banished my destructive mood swings, leading to a far more harmonious partnership.  As I've made this transition to a sober existence I have also become aware of  just how incredibly supportive and solid my friendship group is - booze or no booze, they're still there.  I was also quite taken aback by just how little time it took for me to feel brave enough to wail down a karaoke microphone without a bottle in the other hand.  However, dancing... well, I'd just written off dancing as something that was firmly relegated to my pissed up past.

In Catherine Gray's 'The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober', she describes the moment when, after becoming sober, she finally stopped caring about what other people thought about her dancing and she was 'able to leap around the dance floors with wild abandon'.  I remember reading it and thinking that would never be me.  I had never in my life danced without alcohol obliterating my inhibitions and I didn't think that I was capable of starting in my mid-forties.  Nevertheless, this past weekend I had a major sober epiphany.  On Friday night I attended Clockenflap, Hong Kong's annual music festival, and I was watching an Aussie DJ duo called Peking Duk who were just brilliant.  Before I knew it, I was leaping around like no one was watching and loving every moment of it.  The music was amazing, the atmosphere was brilliant, I was totally in the mood and the music got me.  I quickly realised that no one was looking at me dancing or judging me, and it was easy to let go and dance like a crazy lady.  I loved it.  That night I danced 16,000 steps according to my fitness tracker!

Once I'd broken my dancing duck, so to speak, there was no stopping me!  The following night I went to the Royal Hong Kong Yacht Club Regatta Ball and danced a further 18,000 steps, then the following night I was back at Clockenflap and rounded off my weekend by smashing the 20,000 dance step mark!  The high I felt this weekend having conquered one of my biggest sober barriers was quite exhilarating.  Now I know that there is nothing enjoyable that I did under the influence of alcohol that is not entirely possible, and unequivocally better, without it.

OK, so dancing sober may not seem like such a biggie to anyone who can throw some shapes on the dance floor, but when you have the grace and dance moves of a baby elephant, then this is a milestone.  Quitting drinking and feeling comfortable in my skin as a non-drinker has taken time, but ten months down the line, I feel I can hand on heart say that I have finally got there. None of my preconceived fears about not drinking have been realised and nowadays I simply see alcohol as the dragging anchor that was preventing me from moving forward with my life.  Now I have cut myself free, I am hurtling towards endless possibilities.  Brace yourself dance floors of Hong Kong... I've found my dancing shoes!

I really hope you find this useful and if you want to ask me any questions about my experience of getting sober, please do post a comment or privately message me at dreamscheming@gmail.com.

Why sober socialising rocks

The start of November marks ten full months of being alcohol-free. I haven’t blogged much recently mainly because not drinking has become so normal for me now that it is harder to find interesting topics to write about. However, the other night I was out to dinner with some people I was meeting for the first time and I was sitting beside a gentleman who was not drinking for medical reasons. Surprisingly he didn’t ask me the standard intrusive questions about why I was choosing not to drink (probably because he knows how it feels to be on the receiving end of them), however he did say to me: “Don’t you feel sad that when you arrive at a party now, you know that this is as good as it is going to get when you aren’t drinking?” Basically implying that if you are a non-drinker there is no possibility of your night improving from the moment you walk into the party. What a depressing thought – was my immediate reaction!

I thought back to all the nights out I have had this year as a non-drinker and I realised that I totally disagreed with his sentiment. Regardless of whether you are drinking or not drinking, you are going to have nights when you are totally up for having a raucous night with friends and other times when you simply aren’t in the right frame of mind. There will be times when the company you are with are all gelling and the party just spontaneously erupts over the course of the evening and you will be boosted along on that wave. On the flip side there are times when the party never gets going or it just fizzles out because people are tired, or preoccupied with stress or just in a grump. As a drinker and as a non-drinker, I have experienced both parties where my mood and energy levels have elevated over the course of the evening and those where it’s just not happening.

My first sober hen party

Admittedly, it has taken time to get used to sober socialising - I didn’t quit drinking and immediately transition into a comfortable booze-free party goer. I have had to learn how to do it and understand which situations I can cope with and which I can’t. I know the kind of gatherings that work for alcohol-free me and those that don’t. Parties in bars or restaurants where it is easy to talk to people work, whereas those where I am crammed into a packed, noisy bar full of drunk people, absolutely don’t. I enjoy meeting new people but I find parties where I know a good group of people preferable to deal with than those where I only know a small handful. I have never been very good at working a roomful of strangers and I used to rely heavily on the false confidence given to me by alcohol to prop me up in those kinds of situations. There have been a couple of times this year where I have been brave and I’ve forced myself along to parties where I haven’t known many people but I end up feeling desperately self-conscious and uncomfortable, so I would rather avoid them now if I can. Most importantly, I only truly enjoy sober socialising if I know I have an escape route. I have to know how I can extract myself and get home when the booze truly kicks in and people start repeating themselves, saying things they would never say sober or just stop making sense. The drinkers don’t want me around at that point as much as I absolutely don’t want to be around them to witness it, so it’s a win-win for everyone if I have a getaway plan.

Before I stopped drinking for a sustained period of time I might have agreed with the notion that as a non-drinker there is no possibility of your night getting better from that first moment when you walk into the party. However, having become quite the expert at sober socialising, I now find it easier and easier to relax and be part of the crowd without a glass of wine in my hand. I can hand on heart say that partying sober is no different to partying with booze except that you are: guaranteed not to make an idiot of yourself; you will remember everything; you will leave at the right time; and you will wake up feeling clear headed with no shame or regrets. What’s not to love about that!

I really hope you find this useful and if you want to ask me any questions about my experience of getting sober, please do post a comment or privately message me at dreamscheming@gmail.com.