3 steps to developing a non-drinking habit

Over the past month I have been away from Hong Kong in Europe and it struck me a couple of weeks ago that not drinking has now become second nature to me.  A week ago my husband and I were in Greece celebrating my friends' 10th Wedding Anniversary and we had an action packed itinerary of events to attend, along with a large group of their friends who had flown in from around the world. Despite not knowing the majority of the group, I had a really great time meeting lots of new people and being one of the only non-drinkers really didn't faze me.

This got me thinking back to my first booze-free holiday to the Philippines earlier this year to celebrate a friend's 40th birthday.  Looking back at my blog I highlighted how I felt very self-conscious about not drinking and withdrew from the crowd the moment the booze started flowing.  I believed I'd lost part of my identity and I wasn't entirely comfortable with the new sensible, calm, less extrovert character that was emerging.  In Greece, I noticed that not drinking felt entirely normal.  I didn't feel apologetic or embarrassed about the fact that I wasn't partaking and I wasn't paranoid that I was being judged for my choices.  It's clear that I've started to care a lot less about what people may be thinking and I've adjusted to the calmer version of me.  Most nights I was out until around 1am and, with the exception of one night, I didn't feel I had to skulk off when the party got into full swing.  It struck me that not drinking has become a new habit.

Alcohol-free beer - my new normal

I was interested to find out a bit more about how habits are formed so I started to read up on the topic.  Here are the basic steps to developing a new habit:

Stage one:  Initiation

Research shows that in order to initiate a new habit it is vital that you are sufficiently motivated.  For me, by the start of this year, I was so ready to quit drinking and to dispose of all the negativity that accompanied my drinking that I was 100% motivated to give it my best possible shot.

The same research goes on to explain that 'within psychology, ‘habits’ are defined as actions that are triggered automatically in response to contextual cues that have been associated with their performance'. For me, this has meant developing a new action (e.g. drinking non-alcoholic drinks) in response to contextual cues (e.g. being in a bar or in a restaurant).  This seemed quite alien at first, after all, over the past 30 years, there have been very, very few times that I have gone into a bar or out to dinner and ordered anything other than booze.

Stage two:  Learning

University College of London research explains that 'in order to form a habit, an action must be performed repeatedly in a consistent context. This repetition creates a mental association between the context (cue) and the action (behaviour) which means that when the cue is encountered the behaviour is performed automatically.'  Therefore, the key to ensuring my non-drinking habit has stuck has been to keep repeating the ordering and drinking of non-alcoholic drinks when I'm out in bars and restaurants and not to deviate from this new path.

Stage three:  Automaticity

Research shows that 'it takes 66 days (up to 10 weeks) on average to form a new habit after the first time the new action is performed, but this can vary from person to person and for different actions.'  For me, I would say it has taken me longer than 10 weeks for this habit to become 'normal' but I have noticed that in the past month ordering alcohol just doesn't cross my mind any more.

Changing behaviour initially requires considerable cognitive effort but, if you do keep up the action until a habit is formed, it will eventually become second nature. By tomorrow, I will have completed seven months without alcohol and it is apparent that non-drinking has become a habit and going into a bar or restaurant and ordering a glass of wine would feel quite abnormal for me now.  Creating this new habit has not been plain sailing, but I am happy that I have finally reached this point after all my hard work.

What no one told you about sober holidays

A couple of days ago, I arrived on Paros, one of the Greek Cyclades Islands and one of my favourite places in the world.  It is also the primary source of my binge drinking.  I spent the summer of 1991 and 1992 working here as a 19 and 20 year old, numbing my insecurities and low self-esteem with cheap beer, wine, ouzo and dubious shots.  I have since returned here many more times over the years but those are the standout summers, as they were my first real taste of freedom, adventure and independence and are filled with laughter, lust, love and drama.  I look back on those booze soaked memories with great fondness (and the odd cringe).   However, they couldn't be more different from this time - my first experience of holidaying in Paros as a non-drinker.

You arrive feeling great

The journey to Paros is a bit of a ball ache, although it is a lot more straight forward these days than it was when I first came here.  You can't fly direct from England so you need to fly to Athens, Santorini or Mykonos and then get a ferry.  My previous trips here would often involve a drink or two at the airport, on the plane and on the ferry and arriving on the island looking and feeling pretty tired and ropey after a long journey.  However, this time round, having avoided the potential temptation of any booze, I arrived on the island feeling just fine despite a 16 hour journey.

You get up early effortlessly

Every other holiday I have spent on Paros has been all about the night.  As the sun set, I would come to life and my friends and I would pass the night crawling (sometimes quite literally) from one bar to the next, pursuing or being pursued by men, gossipping and resolving all the problems in the world!  The mornings were something we rarely encountered unless we had drunk our way through to sunrise or if we were unfortunate enough to have secured a job making breakfast (which I had one summer).  This time round though, I have seen the sun rise every morning and not because I haven't yet made it to bed.  I have discovered that early mornings really are the most beautiful time of the day and I love the tranquillity and anticipation of what lies ahead.

Getting up early with the cats and the fishermen

Your days are long and packed

When you are waking up at sun rise and not suffering from a vicious hangover, the days are long and asking to be filled rather than wasted.  So far, I have been up early hiking every day - much to the amusement of my friend who's hotel I'm staying in, who has known me for the past 27 years.  Seeing my girlfriend (and former fellow barfly) and I clad in gym kit at 8am and raring to go, reduced him to near hysteria accompanied by cries of "What's happened?  I cannot believe this!"

Early morning hike

Getting back from hiking we enjoy a leisurely breakfast in the village, where we invariably catch up with old friends who are passing by, followed by a walk to the beach for a spot of sunbathing, reading and swimming and we haven't even got to lunch time yet! 

In the past my day wouldn't start until lunch time which didn't leave much time for anything other than a carb-packed lunch to feed the hangover and a couple of hours snoozing on the beach before the night time revelry kicked into action again.

You can eat without guilt

As a drinker, I was aware that I was ingesting a significant number of extra calories on holiday - not just via the alcohol I was imbibing but also through the unhealthy food my body craved post-drinking.  This meant that I was constantly trapped in a cycle of drinking too much, eating unhealthily, feeling guilty and repeat.  I rarely went out for a meal and enjoyed the experience, as inside I was castigating myself for my excessive calorie consumption.

This time though things are different.  By eliminating alcohol from my life I have got rid of all the calories attached to the drinks and the carb-laden hangover food.  In addition, because I am no longer sloth-like in the mornings, I am able to get up and exercise and burn calories.  This means that I relish going out for meals now and enjoying the heavenly Greek food, guilt-free.

You recharge

During my first two summers working on Paros I drank every night without fail and after two to three months I'd returned to England feeling very low and completely knackered but unable to sleep.  Even on more recent holidays, I drank most nights, stayed out late and rarely returned home feeling well rested.  This holiday is going to be different.  Although I am happy to stay out late talking rubbish with my friends, because I'm not drinking alcohol, I'm sleeping really deeply. In addition, because I'm up and out and doing things early in the morning, I have plenty of time for an afternoon nap later in the day.  

Beach snoozing

In the past holidaying was all about over-indulging, letting loose and partying.  It never occurred to me that holidays could actually be far more enjoyable and action-packed without chucking vast quantities of alcohol down your throat.  No one told me that I would actually do more, spend better quality time with my friends and feel brighter, happier and more energised without a drink glued to my hand.  I'm so glad I have finally stumbled on this great discovery.

My top ten achievements during my first 6 months of sobriety

Part Two

Following on from yesterday's blog about my top ten achievements since I stopped drinking, here are the top five things that I've achieved since January.

5. I've been writing children's stories for an English course

I was approached recently by my tutor from my CertTESOL course, about writing some children's stories for an English course.  In the past I would have been too scared to have committed to this, believing I wouldn't be good enough and being concerned about how I would find the time.  With the new found confidence that a sober lifestyle has given me, coupled with the ridiculous amount of time I have now I'm not wasting it rotting on a sofa with a hangover, I have grasped the opportunity with both hands.  I have actually loved writing the stories and found it much easier and more fun than I ever would have thought it would be.

4. I qualified as a PADI Enriched Air diver

Going on my first booze-free holiday back in April, I quickly realised that holidaying when you're not drinking becomes all about the day and filling those days.  With a clear head, I committed to doing my PADI Enriched Air diver qualification and I have done more diving so far this year than I've done since 2002 when I first got my PADI.  I plan on doing so much more diving from now on as I do absolutely love it.

3. I've had one of my research projects from the Trinity DipTESOL published

Last year as part of my Diploma in Teaching English as a Second Language I had to undertake three pieces of research.  This year, I finally plucked up the courage to pitch one of my pieces of research to an academic publication called Modern English Teacher.  I was over the moon when the Editor came back to confirm that they are going to publish my research on 'Effective Strategies for Managing Young Learners’ Behaviour in the ESL Classroom' in the July 2018 edition of the publication.  It's out any minute now and I can't wait to see it.

2. I competed in (and completed!) the Countries of Origin trail run

Back in April, my husband, a good mate of ours  and I competed as a team in the Countries of Origin trail run.  This was no mean feat bearing in mind we had to run (walk in our case!) 30km but also ascend 1,563m (higher than the tallest mountain in the UK) and all in the Hong Kong humidity.  We managed to complete the course and the buzz from surviving the challenge was 100% worth the pain.

1. I'm beginning to learn how to like myself

Since stopping drinking, the mean girl in my head has calmed down and I have learnt to listen to the kinder voice.  Now when the mean girl attempts to pipe up, the kind girl tells her to shut up and she does.  The end result has been that I've started to like myself a lot more.  I have learnt to be proud of my achievements, as well as not beating myself up too much for my failures (e.g. my chocolate addiction!).  My biggest achievement in the past six months has been learning how to be kind to myself and the end result is that I am a genuinely happy and content person as a result.

Before I stopped drinking and after I stopped drinking

The best thing is that it's only been six months since I've stopped drinking and I feel I've already benefited so much from this big change.  I can't wait to see what else I can achieve in 2018 without alcohol holding me back.

My top ten achievements during my first 6 months of sobriety

Part One

Well I've made it through six whole months without letting a single drop of alcohol pass my lips.  I have been surprised at how this radical change to my lifestyle has been much easier than I anticipated and has got even easier as time has passed.  I have probably found it fairly straightforward as by the start of this year I had realised that alcohol was no longer my friend.  I had stopped finding drinking fun and I was ready to find an escape route from my increasingly debilitating hangovers and their accompanying anxiety, fear and shame.  It has been quite surprising how quickly my attitude to drinking has transformed during this time as well.  Now I can see alcohol for what it really is (a poison) and what it really delivers (a load of empty promises), I don't feel I'm missing out by abstaining because my life has got immeasurably better since I stopped.

So to celebrate six months alcohol-free, I thought I'd look at some of the things I've achieved since January.

10.  I've survived numerous alcohol-laden occasions

There are a plethora of events that I associate with drinking including birthday celebrations, wedding anniversaries, hen parties, the Hong Kong Sevens and holidays.  I have managed to get through every one of these occasions and more without drinking.  Every time I tick off another kind of event that I have survived and enjoyed booze-free, the easier it has been to face the next.  After six months, I no longer feel fazed about facing any event without drinking alcohol.

9. I sang karaoke at a Chinese banquet sober

Fairly early on in my sobriety I was strong-armed into singing karaoke at a Chinese New Year banquet.  Never in my life did I ever think I would have the guts to stand up and sing in front of a group of strangers without being fortified by booze. While it certainly wasn't the performance of a lifetime, it was great fun and it proved that I don't need alcohol to make people endure my singing.

8.  I sang a mini-gig at a friend's party

I was asked to sing a few songs by a friend's girlfriend at his birthday party as a surprise.  I was lured into doing it with the promise of being accompanied by a very talented professional guitarist and I was comforted by the fact I had coped with sober karaoke in front of a banqueting hall full of people.  Our friend is a massive Oasis fan so the set included a number of classic Oasis tunes and a cameo part for my husband as Liam Gallagher.  We ended up singing six or seven songs and despite the fact that I definitely don't have the X factor, it was really fun and I was buzzing that I got through the set without making a complete nob of myself.

7. I helped friends with the launch of their fashion label

Two close friends have launched a brand new sustainable fashion label called LaMy Dragonfly, and they asked for my help with articulating what the brand is all about.  I really enjoyed discussing the thought process behind the label and thrashing out the messaging. It was good to tap back into my marketing brain and the reward was a front row ticket to their debut runway show which was awesome... my first and last Anna Wintour moment!

6. I've made an effort to take on a more active role sailing

Since I've stopped drinking, I've stopped getting hangovers.  One of the numerous benefits of this has been that when we have gone racing early on Sunday mornings, rather than putting my hand up to be rail bait on board the boat and taking a very limited role in the actual sailing,  I have been doing main sheet - one of the more important roles on board.  We have also had some pretty good results on those races too and the sense of achievement at the end of each race has been really rewarding.  Next stop... Etchells racing in the harbour!

To be continued........  Here.