Death by Vegetable

I have always been extremely fortunate to have had a very strong constitution.  There is practically nothing that will upset my iron stomach and I can count on one hand the number of times I have thrown-up in the past 10 years.  Turning to a healthier way of life and adopting a detox regime consisting of mainly raw vegan food, I believed would only benefit my well-being and help me shed a few pounds rapidly.  There is no denying that it has done the latter - I am over half a stone lighter than I was 10 days ago - but it has become apparent that my body was reliant on toxins to keep it running efficiently.  Over the past 3 days with the toxins massively depleted, my body appears to have given up on me!

It all started with what was entitled 'The Liver Flush' which was scheduled for day 8 of the detox programme.  The purpose of a liver flush is to clear fatty deposits and toxins congesting the liver and bile ducts and restore the liver to proper functionality.  Bearing in mind that I like to keep my liver working hard with impromptu binge drinking sessions, I felt that I would benefit from this procedure and despite reading what I was required to do, I was determined to help my poor liver, regardless of the sacrifices I would need to make.  Oh what a mistake!

So, on Monday - the last time I could be out of reach of a toilet for more than 30 minutes - I followed the liver flush procedure to the letter.  Starting by drinking apple juice, eating no solid foods from lunchtime and drinking one and half litres of water in the afternoon.  At 7pm I drank a revolting mixture of Epsom salts, hot water and apple juice, followed by a further glass of hot water - to loosen the bile duct.  Then between 8pm to 9.30pm I had to force down a 300ml mixture of olive oil and lemon juice every 15 minutes until all the greasy liquid was finished.  As instructed, I took myself to bed the moment I had finished the olive oil solution and lay down feeling slightly nauseous.  Within thirty minutes I had gone from feeling slightly nauseous to knowing that I was going to have to vomit and sprinted to the bathroom just in time to projectile an endless stream of oily mess into the loo.

The instructions in my detox programme stated 'Some may find it hard to sleep well tonight and some may feel nauseous, and some may start some from of diarrhoea in the middle of the night'.  At no point did it suggest that I would projectile up the entire revolting mixture.  Fortunately I felt better after my chunder - although I don't think I will ever be able to ingest olive oil again - and I managed to fall asleep.

Waking the next morning, I decided to carry on with the procedure, just in case my body had held on to any of the olive oil and lemon juice, and I took a further dose of Epsom salts, hot water and apple juice.    Then I waited for the magic to happen.  Unfortunately the magic did happen and it hasn't stopped happening since - three days later and I can't eat anything at all without it passing straight through me, and I can't leave the house for more than 30 minutes!

Again - I feel royally misled by the instructions for the next morning which stated 'you may feel more irritable than usual.'  What an understatement - how about three days later you will be feeling psychotic, hungry and exhausted.  The instructions also promised me that 'after doing it most people experience increased energy and it shows in how they look' - I feel knackered and my skin looks dehydrated and grey as I can't get any nutritional value from any food I ingest as it simply passes right through me!  This is probably not helped by the fact that detox food is high in fibre and is designed to get your digestive system working more efficiently.  As a result I have had to halt proceedings on the detox as it was clearly making the issue worse and I have swapped smoothies and raw food for potatoes, eggs (OK - so I'm not a vegan any more... desperate times and all that...) and bananas.

This vegan eats eggs

It is clear that my body has survived the past 41 years on my toxin-fuelled diet and that is what has kept it running so effectively.  Now that I no longer have caffeine, booze, nicotine, wheat, dairy (apart from eggs!) and sugar - my body can't cope.  So, it is with a touch of relief - that I will be reintroducing meat, wheat, dairy and ALCOHOL to my diet gradually over the coming week to get my body back to performing at its peak again.  So - for all of you who had your doubts about my new vegan lifestyle - you will be reassured to see that my body has rejected it... not me!