My four misconceptions about giving up alcohol

This week I passed the 50 day alcohol-free mark.  I'm not really counting days because I prefer the idea of looking ahead rather than getting fixated on numbers, but I do have a sobriety app that I check from time to time - and I was ever so slightly smug to see that more than 50 days had gone by.  In my 'Goodbye letter to alcohol' I outlined some of the things that scared me about giving up alcohol so I thought I would revisit them 50 days in....

I’m scared my husband won’t want to be with a teetotal wife having married a lush

My husband's initial reaction to me stopping drinking was not 100% positive - probably not helped by the fact that I didn't tell him in person, he read about it on my blog - oops!  He expressed concern that we would lead separate lives and I wouldn't want to go out any more.  His worry hit a nerve, as my fear was that I wouldn't want to spend as much time in bars and that he wouldn't like the sober version of me, and we ran the risk of drifting apart.  So far though, I think my lifestyle change has benefited us both and brought us closer together as a result.  My husband has definitely been drinking less and been leading a healthier, more active life - maybe partly because I am subliminally guilting him into doing so, and partly because I'm not there to support the 'just one more' reasoning any more.

I think our relationship has improved too as a result of me not being consumed by self-hate and shame post-drinking, which I would inevitably take out on him. Don't get me wrong, I'm still pretty moody - I had hoped that would disappear, but sadly not - but I'm not overwhelmed by negative feelings that erupt out of me like an enraged rottweiler.

I’m scared friends will find me boring

I have discovered since going alcohol-free that I am actually rather sensible, calm, restrained and in control.  None of these adjectives could have been applied to me after a bottle of wine and some cocktails.  I am still nervous that friends will get bored of this new sensible me. 

Having said that, I also have to remind myself about the drunk version of me who would often pass the fun, carefree, relaxed stage and morph into a slurring, shambolic, sometimes angry, discombobulated mess.  If my friends could tolerate that version of me, I'm hopeful that they can accept sensible me.  Perhaps over time, I will grow more comfortable with my alcohol-free self and find it easier to let my hair down and make a dick of myself again!

I’m scared I’ll never have the confidence to dance on a table or belt out karaoke again

OK, so I still haven't had the confidence to dance on a table, however I was forced to sing karaoke to a room full of people at a Chinese New Year party.  I honestly never ever thought I would be able to do that sober, but it appears I can - albeit, fairly tunelessly.  Here's the proof... prepare your ear plugs before turning up the volume!

Watch the video here... you know you want to!

I’m scared no one will choose to hang out with me

Over the past 50 days I have been lucky enough to have been invited to lots of events and parties, from dinners and (alcohol-free) drinks with friends, to gala dinners,  Chinese New Year parties, to hen parties, birthday parties and weddings.  So I guess I haven't become a social outcast quite yet.  

I have discovered that I am very comfortable going to dinners or events where I am sitting down around a table and where food is involved.  However, the anxiety levels definitely rise when I know the event will involve just standing around, chatting and drinking.  I'm already feeling very apprehensive about a hen party in a couple of month's time - not because I'm scared I'll be tempted to drink - but because an event like that typically hinges on drinking and games and activities that require you to 'let go'.  As the sober me is sensible and restrained, I know I am going to struggle to blend in.

To date, I am relieved that most of my fears have been unfounded and I am really proud with how far I have come in just 50 alcohol-free days, although I know I still have quite some way to go.  I look forward to a time where I can truly cut loose and relax without being propped up by booze. I am sure it will be possible, I'm just not there yet.

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The importance of living for today

The last couple of weeks have been really challenging – jolting me out of my metaphorical comfy armchair and reminding me that life is fleeting and capricious. Two weeks ago David and I received an email from a very close friend telling us she had secondary breast cancer, for which there is no cure. The email was heartbreaking, yet brave and uplifting as she told us how much she loves us and asked that we celebrate her great life and many achievements, and surround her with joy not sadness. It has been overwhelmingly painful to process news of this magnitude and I have been lurching between profound sorrow for the future, waves of nostalgia for what has been and an intense rage which I’ve been struggling to suppress. To add to the emotional burden I’ve been really sick over the last week which has reduced my capacity to cope and has opened the door to a black cloud of depression, which fortunately seems to be dissipating today. In short, it’s been a bit shit.

In our society we seem to fear death and brush any thought of it under the carpet as though it doesn’t actually exist. However, when it unexpectedly looms, it does remind us, with a hefty boot up the arse, that we only have one life and we need to live it with purpose. The Roman philosopher, Marcus Aurelius, wrote: “It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live.” None of us are going to be around forever so we need to really live our best possible life now. Today.

My naughty, brave, spirited and courageous friend is 'life is not a dress rehearsal' personified. Her achievements are numerous. To name but a few: she is a very successful partner in a law firm; she has climbed Mont Blanc; she took part in the 2017 Arctic Marathon; she has competed in the 100km Gurkha Challenge trek across the South Downs; she was selected to sing and tour with the World Youth Choir; she has competed in numerous sailing races including Royal Hong Kong Yacht Club’s Round the Island Race on Wonderwall; and there aren’t many corners of the world that she hasn’t explored. She has crammed more excitement, adventures and achievements into her 39 years than many people manage in 80. She has shown what can be accomplished by living for the now.

Today is the day for me to stop wallowing and to start celebrating my friend's achievements and surrounding her in the joy she wants.

Steve Taylor, Ph.D. , wrote on the Psychology Today blog: “Becoming aware of our own mortality can be a liberating and awakening experience, which can – paradoxically, it might seem – encourage us to live authentically and fully for the first time.” So today is also the day to follow my friend's example by no longer procrastinating and starting to live life in the present with genuine purpose.

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My three top tips for staying alcohol-free after dry January

This morning I received an email from an old friend of mine with the subject 'Inspiration Required', stating: "I think a number of us, especially that are close to completing the usual dry January, could do with a pep talk blog to consider our path. I am not yet minded to abstain for the long term... but through to Easter is a possibility."

My intention is not to make my blog all preachy and self-righteous, I really don't mind if people choose to drink or not and I have no issue being around people who are drinking.  For example, last night I was at the Volvo Ocean Race Prize-Giving Gala Dinner. With well over 500 attendees, I was one of only a handful of non-drinkers but I still had a great night sipping my orange juice and mocktails.

© Erwan Her

However, if you are coming to the end of dry January and thinking maybe, just maybe, you could extend going alcohol-free for a while longer - here is some food for thought.

Change your perception about alcohol

In 'This Naked Mind' by Annie Grace, she discusses how 'almost everything in our society tells you, both consciously and unconsciously, that alcohol is the 'elixir of life', and without it in your life you would be missing a key ingredient'. However, throughout her book she dissects all our justifications for drinking, backed up by the latest scientific research.  She clearly outlines that 'when you completely change your mental (conscious and unconscious) perspective on alcohol, you begin to see the truth about drinking.  When this happens, no willpower is required, and it becomes a joy not to drink.'  

In Jason Vale's 'Kick the Drink... Easily' he states that 'the only thing that keeps people hooked is the illusion created by the drug itself and the years of conditioning and brainwashing'. 

I highly recommend reading Annie Grace's 'This Naked Mind' and/or Jason Vale's 'Kick the Drink... Easily'.  They have completely changed the way I think about drinking and have made it so much easier to stop.  As I've mentioned before I have joined some online sober support communities and countless members of these groups agree that having read these books their perception of drinking has changed, making it simpler to quit.

Focus on the benefits

Jason Vale highlights how ''When you stop drinking you are giving up absolutely … NOTHING! Oh sorry, apart from the headaches, the hangovers, the lethargy, the bad breath, the beer gut, the arguments, the violence, being overemotional, regretting things you have done but can’t remember doing, getting things out of proportion, putting things off all the time, the stress, the overdraft, the taxis, the guilt, the lies, the deceit, the brewer’s droop, the mood swings, the breakdown of the immune system, the lack of resistance to all kinds of diseases, the destruction of brain cells, not to mention the excess weight..."

For me, the benefits to date of going alcohol-free have been:  deep deep sleep; weight loss; increased energy levels; a more positive mindset; no more anxiety; no feelings of shame or embarrassment; generally feeling more able to cope with the crap that life can sometimes throw at us.  I also know that I am only just beginning to scratch the surface.  Things will only carry on getting better going forward.

If you have managed to get through dry January, you really have done the most difficult bit.  From my previous experiences of giving up alcohol for longer than a month, you really do start to reap the rewards from around six weeks onwards.  Why not give it a little longer, you really do have nothing to lose but everything to gain.

Take back control
Maybe like I did, you had a nagging fear that alcohol was stealing your ability to manage your emotions and was causing unhappiness, irritability, fear, anxiety and/or a range of other negative emotions.  Maybe you've noticed that you feel more in control of things and more positive after a month of no drinking.

Annie Grace states that 'Alcohol erases a bit of you every time you drink it.  It can erase entire nights when you are on a binge.  Alcohol does not relieve stress; it erases your senses and your ability to think.  Alcohol ultimately erases your self.'  She goes on to state that - 'for many, alcohol ensnares them at such a slow pace that it's imperceptible.  The changes are subtle.  You come to depend on alcohol, feeling it gives you the courage to face the day, when in reality it steals confidence from you.'

Deep down we all know that alcohol is damaging and controlling us.  This is why we expend so much energy justifying why we are doing it.  Since I have taken back control and stopped drinking, I feel I have regained confidence and I am holding my head higher.  I finally feel a sense of peace and calm which I know I can never achieve when alcohol is controlling my life.

If you want to take back control longer term and feel you need some extra support then join a sober online community like Club Soda or Soberistas.  You will discover many different people from every walk of life facing exactly the same struggles as you.  Realising you are not alone and thousands of others are also wanting to beat booze out of their lives really helps to keep you on track.

So, if you are wondering what to do now that your dry January has come to an end.  Why not challenge yourself and extend it further?  You'll probably find it is far easier than you think.

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Why perfectionism can lead to alcohol addiction

Since I've been posting about my relationship with alcohol and my rationale for breaking up with booze, I have been bowled over by the astoundingly supportive messages I have received from friends and strangers alike.  On Tuesday, a heartfelt message popped up in my email inbox from an old colleague in response to my 'Hope is the only thing stronger than fear' post.  One of her comments really made me think.  She wrote:  "You've always come across as such a confident, self-assured lady - reading your latest blog (and then going back and reading earlier posts) has made me see a very different side to you."   Many of us wear a mask to disguise our weaknesses and vulnerabilities and present a version of ourselves that we want people to see, rather than our true self.  I know that I, in particular, have concealed the real me, especially in a work environment.

Throughout the years when I worked in advertising and marketing, I suffered from imposter syndrome, believing that I was inadequate and a fraud, despite evidence to indicate that I was actually very skilled and successful.  I was a perfectionist, setting excessively high standards for myself and beating myself up when I failed to reach a goal.  I was riddled with self-doubt and worry. I was also a control freak.  This made me terrible at delegating, as I always wanted everything to be done perfectly and my way.  I expected my work to be 100% perfect, 100% of the time.  To my colleagues I must have looked extremely self-assured, confident and on top of everything, but I felt like the elegant gliding swan paddling frantically below the surface.

As I was writing this, I thought to myself, 'Thank God, I'm no longer like that!'  But then I thought back to studying last year and the blog I wrote in November where I talk about striving so hard to achieve a distinction for my DipTESOL that I was suffering from anxiety and panic attacks.  How quickly we forget! To the other people on the course I probably appeared to be over-achieving with consistently high marks, but inside I was wracked with self-doubt and fear that at some point I'd be outed as not being good enough.

This lead me to read up about perfectionism and its impact on our lives.  According to Gnilka, Ashby & Noble (2013) there are two forms of perfectionism: adaptive perfectionism where individuals 'strive towards personal high standards without a crippling self-critical voice when these elevated standards are not met'; and maladaptive perfectionism which 'is associated with extreme self-criticalness and a persistent sense of failure to live up to personal high standards of performance'.  Maladaptive perfectionism has been linked to various psychological outcomes, such as depression, self-esteem and self-confidence.  Rice, Van Arsdale & Amy (2006) go on to highlight how maladaptive perfectionists have significantly higher levels of stress and a tendency to drink to cope. In Rettig's Huffington Post blog about 'Perfectionism And Addiction', she states how perfectionism supports addiction through causing 'persistent feelings of frustration, despair, shame and guilt that an addict might turn to alcohol or some other addictive substance or behavior to soothe'.  I can now see that I have definitely fallen into the maladaptive perfectionist category throughout various chapters of my life and one of my most prevalent uses of alcohol was as a 'soother' and 'stress reliever'.

I know that I focus on presenting the photoshopped version of me to the world and I feel ashamed and embarrassed by my failures.  Maybe some of you can recognise these traits in yourself.  If we all became more comfortable with removing the veneer of perfection,  and embracing (and sharing) our failures as part of a natural learning process on the pathway to success, we could start to make in-roads into leading happier more honest lives with less need to self-medicate with drugs and alcohol.  One of my favourite Nelson Mandela quotes is: “Do not judge me by my successes, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again.”  It's time to start applying this to my life and accepting that I will never be perfect.  I need to be less harsh on myself, embrace the real flawed me and keep getting up, dusting myself down and carrying on without beating myself up.

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Four unfamiliar aspects of going alcohol-free

Following on from yesterday's blog 'Same same but different - part one' where I looked at the aspects of going alcohol free that I have found similar to my previous attempts at sobriety, today I am looking at the differences.

Bye bye booze!

So, what is different this time around?

Putting my story out there - Brené Brown states that 'owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.'  So, I have taken the decision to share my story - warts and all - and out myself as a fledgling member of the sober revolution.  Through revealing my vulnerabilities I am connecting with a staggering number of people who can relate to where I have been and where I want to end up.  I also hope to recruit a few others to join the revolution so they can share the same positive changes as me.

My support network - This comment was posted on Facebook about my blog this week - 'Stopping is one thing. Staying stopped is another. It is the hardest, yet most rewarding journey ever. I hope she finds the right people to support her'.  I wholeheartedly agree with this sentiment as I am pretty good at stopping but pretty poor at remaining stopped and I know the importance of finding a supportive tribe to fight my corner with me.  This time around I have taken a different approach and I am shouting from the roof tops that I am no longer drinking, to rally the backing of friends. I am also using sober support networks to keep me on track.  For anyone interested in adopting a similar approach, Club Soda seems to be home to the most like-minded ex-drinkers for me.  What I love about these alcohol free groups is that they are ridiculously supportive and non-judgmental because we've all been there, done that and got the T-shirt.

Overcoming the stigma of being a non-drinker - Clare Pooley, author of The Sober Diaries writes on her blog: 'When I first quit drinking, I told no-one... I imagined that if I told my friends that I'd quit that they would judge me and assume that I'd been a terrible lush (partly true) and a terrible mother (not true, at least not most of the time). I thought they'd label me boring and stop inviting me to parties. I thought they'd worry that I'd become all preachy and judgmental (as if I'm in a position to judge anyone!)..'  Most of these thoughts have been running through my mind and it's apparent that there's something wrong with our society for us to feel marginalised for giving up an addictive substance! The more I have read, written and published, the more I realise that these prejudices and stigmas stem from systematic brainwashing and fear.  I am starting to see that there does seem to be a growing army of us who are calling bullshit on the 'boring'/'judgmental'/'raging alcoholic' labels attached to non-drinkers and I want to be on the front line of that army obliterating those stigmas and making it easier for others to make the same choice as me and to be able to talk about it with pride.

My resolve - I have stopped drinking a gazillion times before, but mostly as a temporary thing with a fixed end date so from day one I was always counting down to when I could drink again.  I know now that I don't want to leave the door ajar to the possibility of drinking and my resolve is set very firmly on this final break-up with alcohol.  Jason Vale states that 'once you make a firm decision [to stop drinking alcohol], you cut off any other possibility and doubt; so whatever happens in your future life, drinking alcohol is not just not an option but something that you have no interest in doing.  You have moved on and are free.'

And that really sums up how I feel about drinking right now.  It's over, once and for all, and I've already taken the first steps into my new life without booze and I feel free.

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Six familar aspects of going alcohol-free

I have now been alcohol free for more than two weeks - with the exception of the little splash of red wine I added to some Quorn mince, which quite frankly needed all the help it could get to taste of something.  I have given up booze many times and often reached this point but this time it does feel quite different in certain respects - although reassuringly familiar in others.

The familiar aspects are:

The chocolate cravings - Due to alcohol being converted to sugar in the body, when you quit drinking your body craves sugar. Last week I seemed powerless to resist the call of M&S chocolate & orange mini bites and giant chocolate buttons.  Damn you M&S and your yummy chocolate!  Research suggests that sugar has a similar effect on the brain’s levels of dopamine, a neurotransmitter controlling the brain’s reward and pleasure areas, as alcohol. So this week my focus is on breaking the chocolate cravings before I replace one dependency with another.  So far.... not so good though!

Move away from the chocolate!

The deep deep sleep - After the first week of disrupted sleep and disturbing dreams, I am now sleeping ridiculously deeply.  I cannot over emphasize how blissful it is to wake up every morning feeling properly rested and raring to grab hold of the day ahead.  There is extensive research to support the fact that 'alcohol affects sleep, daytime alertness, and certain physiological processes that occur during sleep' - so it's no wonder that my sleep has improved so dramatically.

The increased energy levels - Without alcohol in my life and probably thanks to being well rested, my energy levels are off the scale.  Last week I hiked 60km, walked up 588 floors and stretched my way through three yoga classes - which can only be a good thing bearing in mind the vats of chocolate I have consumed!

Hiking, hiking and more hiking...

The weight loss - After I got back to Hong Kong after Christmas, I gingerly stood on the scales and nervously looked down to see the damage caused by a month being back on the booze again. I was horrified to see that I had gained 3.5kgs.  However, two weeks down the line and I've already lost all of that weight.  With booze being loaded with calories, it is not surprising research shows that the men and women consuming the greatest quantity of alcohol tend to have the highest BMIs.  As such, I'm hoping the scales will continue to follow a downward trend from now on.

The positive mindset - Right now I am nestled in a lovely warm, cosy, aura of contentment and positivity, although I am conscious that this may be what ex-drinkers call the 'pink fluffy clouds' - an intense feeling of happiness that moves in to replace the lows of drinking. Long may this feeling last! There are loads of resources on the DrinkAware website explaining the impact of alcohol on our mental health and I am relishing the lifting of my dark rain clouds without booze in my life.

The doubters - Those pesky little doubters and sober saboteours are still out there in force and the more drunk they get, the more persistent they become. On Saturday night I went to a pub quiz and at the start of the night I received nothing but praise and admiration for choosing to stop drinking.  However as the night progressed, the banter escalated.. 'You don't know what you're missing' 'Mmm, are you jealous?' How long is this going to last? 'I give you until April' 'What addiction are you going to replace the booze with?' etc. and it was revealed there is a sweep stake on how long it will be before I relent and drown myself in red wine.  All I can say is the more you doubt me, the stronger my resolve becomes!

So, what is different this time around? Read tomorrow's blog to find out.....

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Why alcohol-free living is filled with hope

At the start of October last year I was feeling exceptionally low.  I couldn't really pin point why but I felt myself sinking into a very negative space where I felt angry and unable to cope.  I was aware that I was binge-drinking as a crutch which was counter-productive as it simply made me feel worse about myself.  One morning, I found myself hiking up the Peak - my go to activity to make me feel happy - in floods of tears and I decided that enough was enough and it was time to seek professional help.

I found a counsellor who specialised in issues around 'self' and binge-drinking and spewed my worries out on an email to her.  She instantly responded saying that my issues were well within her scope of work and asked me to complete a client in-take form, which contained some fairly soul searching questions.  After I sent back the form, the counsellor suggested some times we could meet but unfortunately none of them worked with my teaching schedule.  As I felt that she had the right skill set to help me, I didn't really want to see anyone else so I temporarily parked the idea of going to counselling.

However, the process of completing the in-take form did clarify that my relationship with alcohol was far from healthy, so I made the decision to quit drinking for a while to see if that improved my mental state.  To avoid the difficult questions and the potential sober saboteurs, I told my friends I was on a health and fitness regime and was looking to lose 10kgs before Christmas.  This worked well and I didn't experience the usual barrage of abuse and constant haranguing of 'don't be so boring',  'can't you just have one', 'when are you going to start being fun again' etc.

I stopped drinking for seven and a half weeks and in that time I noticed many dramatic changes.  I lost 5kgs, I went down a dress size, my skin became much clearer, I looked younger, I slept really well and people kept telling me how great I looked.  The most notable change though was just how quickly my mental health changed for the better.  My anxiety, anger and negativity were replaced with feelings of extreme contentment and positivity.

Slipping back into my drinking ways over Christmas, it was very revealing to see how quickly all of these positives could be reversed.  As a result this has helped to strengthen my resolve to make alcohol free living a permanent fixture in my life from now on.

Out of the blue, the counsellor got back in touch with me this week to apologise for not having been able to work out a time to meet last year and to find out if we could set something up now.  I explained how after I had originally contacted her, I quit drinking, my mindset changed dramatically and I felt better about myself. I told her how I've realised that I am much more stable and content without booze in my life and how I am using online support groups, self-help books and my blog to keep me motivated to make this change for the better.  I also sent her a link to my goodbye to alcohol letter which has now received almost 10,000 views.  I said that I didn't feel the need to see her now but I would be in touch if things changed.

She sent me back an amazing response asking if I would be prepared to speak at an event in the future, as she has many clients who are hooked on alcohol and she is looking to run a programme for alcohol.  Me...speaking as an ex-drinker!  Who would've thought it!  She ended the email by saying:

I share all this with you as it sounds like you are a leader and you may come across people who find it harder than you to quit. I am inspired by your story!

It made me feel so proud of what I've achieved so far and so hopeful, rather than afraid, of my booze-free future.

Today, I dug out the client in-take form I completed back in October.  On the form I stated that the goals I wanted to achieve through counselling were as follows:

'I want to be content and accept myself no matter what.  I want to stop comparing myself to others.  I want to stop thinking others are saying/thinking negative things about me. I want to feel 100% secure.'

I know without a shadow of a doubt that without alcohol in my life, all of these goals are well within my grasp.  I am no longer afraid - I am brimming with hope.

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Can you celebrate without alcohol?

Yesterday I had some fantastic news. After a six week wait, I finally received my DipTESOL exam results and I got 77%! Rather disappointingly this was 3% short of a distinction but at times I never thought I would even manage 50% for the written exam, so I’m really not complaining. Here’s my exam paper if you are interested in taking a look to see what all the fuss was about. This result combined with the results of my assessed teaching, my research projects and my phonology exam mean that I have achieved a distinction overall for my DipTESOL which I am ecstatic about. This is the culmination of a year’s worth of seriously hard graft and I’m really proud of my achievement.

However, the excitement of getting the result I’ve been dreaming of over the past year fell a little flat now that I am ‘on the wagon’. Normally, I would use an event like this as an excuse to go out for a some exotic cocktails and/or a glass bottle of bubbles. Instead, to keep me away from the enticing embrace of alcohol, I checked into my yin yoga class and meditated rather than self-medicated! Although the eight hours of blissfully deep sleep that resulted from the yoga was a welcome reward, it didn’t really recompense the 12 months of hard slog I put into getting my DipTESOL. So now that I am alcohol-free, I am going to have to learn some alternative ways to celebrate that don’t involve cracking open a bottle.

Therefore, on Friday night, the husband and I are trying an experiment. We are going out for a booze-free dinner together to see if we can celebrate in style without a bottle of wine or two. My concern is that although we will feel fabulous on Saturday morning waking up without hangovers, there will be a wine shaped void at the dinner table, resulting in us potentially feeling deprived and subdued. It is the flavours of the red wine accompanying the food that I will miss, even more so than the initial ‘and relax...’ feeling I get from my first sip of wine. Somehow, a bottle of San Pellegrino doesn’t have quite the same appeal as an Argentinian Malbec or a full bodied Cabernet Sauvignon. If I was in England I would try experimenting with dealcoholized red wine but although I’ve searched high and low for it here in Hong Kong, I can only find alcohol free beer and I’d never choose to drink beer with a meal. Perhaps we will push the boat out and try a fancier restaurant than we would usually go to and start off with some exotic mocktails to rev up our first alcohol-free celebration.

The reality is that over the years I have used alcohol as a reward, a confidence booster, an emotion suppressor, a special event marker, a comforter... and so on. As a result it is going to take time to erase these ingrained habits, to learn new behaviour patterns and make them become second nature. Learning how to celebrate without using alcohol is no doubt the first of many hurdles to overcome in the coming months.

I’ll let you know how my booze free celebration goes!

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The first three things I learnt after giving up alcohol

Today is my fifth alcohol free day and the idea of having a drink hasn’t crossed my mind.  However, I have made a few observations about my new booze-free lifestyle.

The first is that I have had four absolutely terrible night’s sleep.  My brain has been totally preoccupied with planning life without alcohol and won’t shut down.  The only positive to the sleep deprivation is that it has given me plenty of time to read about sobriety.  For anyone considering going alcohol free, I highly recommend reading Jason Vale’s ‘Kick the Drink Easily’, which is written in a similar style to Allen Carr’s ‘Easy Way to Stop Smoking’ and shatters many conceptions about drinking and has certainly helped me to alter how I see alcohol and its role in my life.  I have also read a book by Clare Pooley, an ex-colleague from London advertising days, called ‘The Sober Diaries’ and I’m half way through ‘The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober’ by Catherine Grey.  Both are well written and provide helpful advice framed in honest and often witty accounts of their journey to sobriety.  Knowing others have paved the way and their lives have improved immeasurably as a result is reassuring.

Apart from the lack of sleep I have noticed the varying responses I have had to my decision to give up drinking.  Mostly I’ve been completely overwhelmed by the tidal wave of support I’ve received since publishing my ‘Goodbye to Alcohol’ letter – thank you!  However, I have also had comments of dismay, inferring that I am now confined to a life as a social hermit missing out on all the fun.  Even my husband alluded to this by remarking that by going alcohol free we would spend less time together.  This is undoubtedly true in that we will spend less late night drunk time together when I would invariably speak a load of bollocks, get aggressive, possibly fall over and not remember much of it in the morning, so I don’t think this is necessarily a bad thing!

Having read my letter, another friend asked me ‘Are you an alcoholic?’. This reaction is apparently fairly typical when people announce they are quitting drinking.  This is highlighted in Jason Vale’s ‘Kick the Drink Easily’ where he states:

“We have been conditioned to believe that you are either a ‘normal’ drinker or that you have lost control and are an ‘alcoholic.’ As a result, people who have finally woken up to the fact that they are not in control have to keep quiet about it for fear of being made an outcast. If they are brave enough to voice a desire to stop drinking, they are called alcoholics which suggests they have an incurable disease and would have to ‘give up’ drinking forever. This is an unwelcome and frightening thought for anybody who drinks. The truth is that the vast majority of people are never in genuine control of their alcohol intake.”

In short, I believe that I am alcohol dependent, alcohol often controls me and I want to change that.

My final observation occurred on my way to work this morning.  I bumped into a bloke I met in a bar a while back when I was watching rugby and knocking back vats of red wine.  Having not seen him for some time he suggested that my husband and I met up with him for a drink at the Foreign Correspondents Club and my knee-jerk response was an apologetic ‘Oh no, I’m sorry, I don’t drink any more’.  He looked genuinely surprised and said ‘You don’t have to drink alcohol.  I don’t care what you drink!’  How fucked up is it that I felt the need to apologise for not drinking and assumed that someone wouldn’t want to meet me if I wasn't quaffing alcohol?  It’s obvious I still have some way to go to fully accepting this new way of life.

So, overall what I have learnt over the last five days is:

1. Not sleeping is really irritating but it is possible to use the time productively.
2. By being honest and open you quickly find you have an army of supporters and that you are absolutely not alone... and that is just the best feeling!
3. I’m not going to be apologetic for not drinking.  I’m going to be proud.  This is my new normal.

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Why I'm stopping drinking alcohol

After having spent last October and most of November totally sober and having felt absolutely great as a result, I have made the decision to go alcohol free for 2018.  I know it's not going to be easy but I am planning to use my blog as therapy to help me get through the tougher times.  Any support you lot can give me will also be very gratefully received.

Today, I have written my goodbye letter to alcohol.

Dear alcohol

We’ve been together for many years now – 30 to be exact.  I instantly fell in love with you and from our first proper encounter in a field in Dorset swigging from a bottle of Cinzano with school friends, I have been completely devoted to you.  From day one you instantly put me at ease, gave me confidence and made me feel better about being me.  As a teenager you made me feel less awkward, less worthless and able to compete with my cooler, more attractive and wittier friends.  With you by my side I could stand out and be noticed too and be the person I wanted to be.  However, even in those early days of our relationship you always controlled me more than I could ever control you and a little bit of you was never enough.

By the time I left school, I was utterly obsessed with you. I couldn’t get enough of you.  You were constantly by my side.  We created some amazing memories together, particularly during my first taste of real freedom and independence at Art College in Canterbury, during my hedonistic summers spent in Greece and in my early days in London.  However, before long you also coerced me into making dangerous decisions like provoking fights, getting into dodgy minicabs on my own  and going home with strangers.  Your pervasiveness resulted in trips to A&E for x-rays and stitches and you also started to erase some of my memories leaving me feeling paranoid, ashamed and disgusted with myself.  However, I brushed this under the carpet and I stuck with you, pretending our relationship was fine.

During my difficult times, like family bereavements, the break-down of friendships, the break-up of relationships, my four miscarriages and the cancer scares, I’ve leant on you more heavily.  When my job felt crushingly stressful and my life felt unmanageable, I’ve relied on you as a crutch.  Nevertheless, the more I’ve needed you, the more you’ve let me down.  Rather than wrapping me in your comforting security blanket like you used to, you’ve increasingly left me feeling anxious, fearful, incapable and overwhelmed with self-loathing and shame.   Our relationship has started to feel toxic and I need out before I slip down a more self-destructive path.

So alcohol, we’ve had some wild times together and I am walking away from this relationship with many good memories as well as the bad.  However, recently the bad have outweighed the good and it’s time to move on. You have been with me for all of my adult life and I am scared of the future without you.  I’m scared my husband won’t want to be with a teetotal wife having married a lush, I’m scared friends will find me boring, I’m scared I’ll never have the confidence to dance on a table or belt out karaoke again, I’m scared no one will choose to hang out with me... the list goes on.  However, I am also hopeful of a future without hangovers, without waking up with limited memory of the night before and without the paralysing remorse.  I am hopeful that I can find ways to like myself more and develop coping strategies that don’t involve opening a bottle.  I am hopeful that I can navigate my way to finding a bit of peace and calm without your presence in my life.  So, thank you alcohol for the fun times but after 30 years, it’s finally time to move on.

Lots of love

Adrienne

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The failed gundog

Yesterday David and I arrived in England for our first Christmas back home since 2013.  Of course, we are super happy to be home to celebrate Christmas with our family but above all, we are overjoyed to be reunited with our amazing dog daughter, Wonder Winnie.  For anyone who doesn’t know Winnie, she is our much loved black Spaniel/Labrador cross, who, despite being very beautiful and clever, has failed to deliver on David’s ultimate ambition for her - to be his very own world-class gun dog.

Wonder Winnie in her favourite spot

When we selected our little black bundle of joy, David was mentally gearing up to purchase a flat cap, tweeds and a shotgun, to join the shooting brigade with his trusty new gun dog by his side.  However, after a series of gun dog training sessions it became blatantly apparent that Winnie’s gun dog capabilities were severely flawed.  While Winnie was an exemplary retriever, impressing the trainer with the speed at which she mastered the concept of collecting the dummy dead bird, she was an extremely deficient deliverer.  Winnie is undoubtedly a smart and manipulative little dog and she immediately discovered that it was far more fun to taunt David than to deliver the retrieved item back to him.  So, while all the other hounds in the gun dog class were obediently following their owner’s instructions, Winnie was not.  The class witnessed her teasing her master with the retrieved stuffed pheasant dangling from her jaw and every time he desperately attempted to pounce on her to get it back, she adeptly side stepped him, like an All Black winger, while he got more and more irate before combusting into a tirade of expletives.

Besides this, Winnie is also terrified of the sound of gunshot.  It soon became clear that our dog had ultra sensitive hearing, picking up the sound of guns three counties away.  The impact being that she would be reduced to a trembling, cowering wreck, incapable of moving.  Time and time again, David could be seen carrying his quivering retriever, clinging to him like a koala on a eucalyptus tree, across Hampshire fields, back home from her walks, as she had detected distant gunfire somewhere in the region of Scotland and refused to take another step.  This was definitely not the image David had been looking to project with his little gun dog.

Nevertheless, despite failing to meet her master’s lofty aspirations for her, we love and miss her very much.  And, without a doubt, the best thing about coming home is the ebullient welcome our Winnie unfailingly delivers.  No one else gives us quite such an enthusiastic, affectionate and borderline deranged greeting as our gorgeous little dog. 

Is there a glimmer of hope on the horizon?

Since finishing my studies, I have enjoyed having free time again and I’ve spent many hours hiking in Hong Kong, reflecting on the previous twelve months and looking at the goals I want to aim for in the coming year.  For me personally, 2017 has been about applying myself 100% to studying and expanding my knowledge as an English teacher.  It has awakened a desire to learn more and to continue on this journey into academia.  It has also ignited a general thirst for increasing my overall knowledge of the world and encouraged me to learn about and investigate many different areas besides second language acquisition. This year, I have also been reminded about the importance of not taking family and friends for granted, as they are the ones who will help pick you up during the tougher times.  David, in particular, has been incredibly patient and supportive throughout the year, and without his encouragement and love, I would have found it far harder to achieve the results I did.

Looking at 2017 more broadly, the world has seemed a pretty dark place at times.  With wars raging, terrorist attacks proliferating, nuclear annihilation threatening, the destruction of the planet persisting, right wing extremism rising and the gap between the haves and have nots increasing, it is hard not to feel fearful, despairing and powerless.  However, there are some glimmers of hope. 

Hope on the horizon?

For example, while Brexit has polarised the UK, it has also awoken many of us who were previously apathetic or ambivalent towards politics.  I have never read or listened to so much political debate as I have done over the past 12 months. While I certainly don’t profess to being an expert or to have any answers, there is a consensus that Capitalism is in its death throes and Brexit, Trump and the rise of the far right are protests against globalisation, the status quo or cries for help.  There has to be an alternative to a world where we are driven to be ever-more productive, to work longer hours, to compete against each other - so that we can have more of the latest ‘stuff’ (that we don’t really need), to make corporations (who do not pay sufficient taxes) dangerously powerful, while systematically destroying our planet, breaking down communities and compromising on our quality of life. 

The glimmer of hope is that while the solutions haven’t necessarily been fully- formed yet, the tide is turning and people are beginning to realise that we can’t continue as we have been, we can’t return to the ‘good old days’ and therefore we need to create an alternative future.  There are many conversations, debates and investigations looking into alternatives – many of which could be achievable with sufficient momentum. While nothing is going to change overnight, these difficult times are our wake-up call to think big and join together to create a better sustainable world for future generations to enjoy.

So, while I know I cannot change the world single-handedly, my resolutions for 2018 are to contribute in a small way to improving the world we live in and start to alleviate my feelings of despair and impotence.  So, here they are:

1. Reduce the amount of stuff I buy – particularly ‘disposable’ clothes
2. Buy food and products with reusable or recyclable packaging
3. Reduce my meat consumption to two days per week
4. Volunteer my time to give something back to my community e.g. teach under-privileged children or adults
5. Remain politically awake and get behind campaigns/movements that aim to change this world into a kinder, fairer, peaceful  and more tolerant place

I know it's not much and I'm sure some of you are doing all of the above already.  However, if everyone were to commit to making little adjustments, we could slowly start to change the world into a better place for everyone.  Wishing you all a very merry Christmas and a happy 2018!

Surviving the DipTESOL

Well, the past year has been slightly more intense than I anticipated.  Ignorantly, when I signed up to study the Trinity Diploma in Teaching English as a Second Language (DipTESOL), I believed it would be a breeze, however, it has been one seriously long, hard slog.  If the one month CertTESOL course is a sprint, the DipTESOL is an ultramarathon - and I've never been a keen runner.  However, I've survived (just), my marriage is still in tact (isn't it David?), I still have a few friends who have tolerated my elusiveness over the past 12 months and right now I am overwhelmed with a sense of achievement.  The course is split into four units (including a 3 hour written exam; phonology exam; three research projects and observed teaching) I managed to achieve a distinction in three of the four units and I'll get the result of the written exam (the final unit) at the end of January.  Provided I pass the exam I will get a distinction overall which would be amazing and make it all worthwhile.

A selection of the books I've read this year

Having not studied formally for over 25 years (besides my RYA Yachtmaster navigation exams, my MCA Long Range Radio exam and my CertTESOL), I have a few observations about returning to academia as a 'mature' student.

The curse of perfectionism

When I was studying for my GCSEs and my A Levels, I became quite adept at gauging the minimum effort I needed to apply in order to pass my exams.  I was very conscious that I could do better if I really studied hard and made sacrifices but I didn't really see the point as that would interfere with cider drinking, smoking fags, flirting with boys and being a rebel without a cause.  I always managed to do just enough to get by without completely pissing off the parents who had invested a lot in my education.  It did almost backfire with my A levels, which I still have nightmares about now, as I knew I had scaled back my studying a bit too aggressively.  However, I got away with it - just.  

Contrary to this, as an adult student, nothing but a distinction will suffice.  I have literally slogged my guts out over the last 12 months to get the results I've managed.  I have turned down invitations to parties, weekends away, sailing, hiking - basically to do lots of really super fun things.  I have obsessed over my studying and been utterly focussed and I've got so stressed at times, I've had panic attacks.  I have beaten myself up every time I haven't got a distinction for an assignment or an observed lesson and I've been angry with myself on the odd occasion when I've been too tired or hungover to study.  When did I become this perfectionist?  I swear, studying was a lot less stressful when I was the rebellious teenager.

Studying is different now

When I think back to studying at school, the most high tech piece of equipment I had to assist me was a tape recorder.  I remember someone telling me that if you went to sleep listening to something, you learnt it by some kind of weird osmosis. Naturally, this sounded like a great short cut to proper studying so I dutifully recorded myself reading the translation of Pliny for my Latin GCSE and slept listening to it, only to discover in my mock exams that nothing had been magically assimilated - rubbish! So back I went to my trusty latin dictionary, a pad of paper and a pen.

Nowadays, studying is a multi-media interactive experience, this has really helped me to retain an immense amount of information in a relatively short amount of time.  My coursemates and I have had the luxury of being able to communicate, share knowledge and debate topics on our online learning platform called Moodle.  We have participated in live online seminars with our tutors each week. We have been able to find academic papers and presentations to read online.  We have been able to watch conference presentations on YouTube.  We have been able to listen to Podcasts by key opinion leaders in the TESOL field.  We have been able to write our own online quizzes to help us learn important facts and quotes for our exams.  We have been able to co-create assignments using Googledocs... The list goes on...  Basically, technology has made studying much more effective and learner-friendly over the years.

Addicted to expanding the mind

Above all I have discovered that studying and broadening the mind are quite addictive.  Despite the fact that studying is, at times, very stressful, the satisfaction of increasing your knowledge and being able to apply it to real life has been incredibly rewarding.  I feel very confident now talking about how learners acquire a second language most effectively.  I believe I could efficiently design and deliver courses for both adults and children that would help them to learn English for their particular context, based on a very solid understanding of how learning works and what courses need to include to produce the best results.  I know I have become a better teacher as a result of the past year.  However, now I'm at the end of the course, I want to know more.  I want to keep learning.

Now the DipTESOL is done (assuming I've passed the written exam), the big questions is, what next?  I don't think I want to stop here - although I need to wait before broaching this (and the associated cost) with David.  So, I'm thinking to start with, a Masters in Applied Linguistics and then, well, maybe a PhD - afterall Doctor Walder has a good ring to it, don't you think!

Setting the mind to study mode

When I really want something I can be very strong willed and single-minded. Five weeks ago I decided I'd had enough of drinking and smoking and the effects they were having on me both mentally and physically.  I duly read Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking and instantly knocked my smoking habit on the head.  Interestingly, while I was reading it, I realised that much of the logic he applied to quitting smoking could be easily applied to stopping drinking.  As a result I cut both vices in one fell swoop with remarkable ease and have been feeling nauseatingly smug ever since.  My mind is set, for the duration of my DipTESOL course, for a clear-headed and virtuous lifestyle.

When I did my RYA YachtMaster course, I effectively wrote off my life for 4 months and did nothing but eat, sleep and drink sailing (and a shit load of rum of course).  I stayed on the Isle of Wight or on various yachts and saw no one bar my instructors and fellow classmates.  By focusing on nothing but sailing, I managed to achieve my YachtMaster much to my family's amusement, who had rarely seen me up on deck during our countless childhood sailing holidays, where I hid down below, reading, playing cards and fighting with my brothers. I am determined to apply this same focused mindset to studying for my teaching course.  

One method that seems to be working so far is basically flicking a switch in my head to change my perception of weekends from free time to study time.  By doing this, any time I actually get off to do fun things becomes a bonus, rather than any studying time being perceived as a subtraction from fun time. So, for example, last weekend I read articles, chapters from text books and blogs until my head felt ready to explode.  At which point I took a break to walk up the Peak - a bonus!  I went back to work with a clear head, finally finishing at 4pm when I went to one of Hong Kong's many islands to a strange music festival.  Sunday followed a similar path, I studied from 10am to 3pm and then went for a barbecue at the Yacht Club.  By the end of the weekend I felt a huge sense of accomplishment having made a massive dent in my course assignments for the week, and I still felt I had had some free time to have fun and catch up with friends.

With my new healthy lifestyle and my focus set to study mode, I am overflowing with energy.  I feel upbeat, super motivated and completely up for the challenge.  Despite the volume of work I am currently facing I am really excited to be using my brain and improving my teaching. It's up to me to make sure that the switch remains firmly fixed onto study mode over the coming months.

The trauma of making an intro video

Last week was the initiation week for my DipTESOL course and our main assignment was to make an introduction video about ourselves. I'm pretty good with technology so the technical aspect of this task didn't faze me.  However, the idea of filming myself and looking at myself on screen, filled me with dread.  Nevertheless, I knew I had to suck it up and get on with it, particularly as watching myself on film is going to become a major part of the course.

Although I saw that one of the students had been brave enough to leave his home to film his introduction on a stunning deserted beach in Spain accompanied with his gorgeous dogs, I was far too self-conscious to leave the confines of my office/spare bedroom.  I went to great lengths to try to artistically set-up my shoot and make the lighting as flattering as possible - after all this was the first time any of my course mates would see me and I wanted to make as good a first impression as I could.  Now all I had to do was work out what I wanted to say remembering to answer the brief of telling people why I had chosen to do the diploma and what elements of the curriculum I was particularly interested in studying.

On paper this sounded fairly straightforward.  I have very clear reasons on why I am doing the course and I know the areas that have piqued my interest.  The issue I had was communicating this concisely within two minutes and in one take - as I still need to perfect my editing skills.  So for around an hour, I sat in front of the camera attempting to appear unselfconscious, articulate and approachable. This took take, after take, after take, after take.  Even the final version exceeded the 2 minutes and I felt I looked desperately uncomfortable.  However, after some very minor editing and the application of a few snazzy (I love this word!) graphics I managed to pull together an introduction video that I could live with.

My main learning from the experience was that: 1) I will never make it in this world as a TV presenter, 2) Trying to film something in one take is practically impossible, 3) iMovie can make even the most crap video appear relatively professional.

Anyway, I thought I would leave you with one of my first attempts where 'Sweary Mary' makes an appearance.  If you're really interested, you can also see the final version.  It is a little tedious but the graphics are cool!