Sobriety - the best Christmas present ever!

2018 will be my first ever sober Christmas as an adult and so far, so good.  As I checked my reflection in the mirror last night before I went out to dinner with friends, I felt slightly overcome with emotions.  I actually admired the person who was looking back at me, rather than zooming in on her flaws.  I looked and felt glowing and happy, healthy and slim - I hardly recognised myself.  All my hard work at changing my drinking habits, altering my self-image and focusing on leading a healthier life style had paid off and the end result was staring back at me in the mirror.  I took a picture so I could remember this feeling - it was a weirdly empowering moment.

This is the girl I always wanted to be

So the big question now is - will I ever drink again?  At the start of 2018 I stated that I would give up for the year, but in the back of my mind I wondered if I would actually even want to start drinking again after 12 months of abstaining.  As the year has progressed and slowly, slowly the illusion of what alcohol added to my life has been shattered, I know that I have no desire to return to my old life.  It seems to me that alcohol is the ultimate ‘Emperor’s New Clothes’, with the majority of us engaged in an unspoken contract to wilfully disbelieve or ignore what deep down we know to be true.  We all get swept along by this fantasy because as humans we are motivated by seeking pleasure and avoiding pain and at the outset it appears that alcohol can deliver on both counts.  However, as you build a tolerance to it, you need more and more to increase the pleasure and numb the pain and before you know it you are dependent.  I know now that I've wasted too much time with my head buried in the sand, slowly breaking myself by believing alcohol added value to my life.

The drinking illusion, which bit by bit has been destroyed over the past 12 months, is as follows:

1. I do not need alcohol to relax

Having cultivated a habit over 30 years whereby drinking a glass or five of wine on a Friday and Saturday night was associated with relaxation, it was going to take time to change my perception.  For the first 6 months of sobriety I substituted alcohol for cake and chocolate and this helped mark the end of the working week and time to relax.  Over time it struck me that relaxation is actually a state of mind, and going for a foot massage, getting a manicure, doing a yoga class, getting stuck into a great book, writing a blog or simply hanging out with good mates and having a giggle is all I need to relax.

2. I do not need alcohol to give me confidence

I have never in my life felt more confident than I do now.  I can see that alcohol delivered false confidence whereby I would invariably say or do something to embarrass myself and then spend the next day(s) wallowing in a pool of shame and self-loathing.  Over the years alcohol stole my confidence and my self-respect.  Now that alcohol has left my system I have found a confidence I never believed I was capable of feeling and I will happily put myself into situations that previously would have felt totally out of my reach.

3. I do not need alcohol to make me feel better about being me

When I discovered the magical powers of Diamond White and Strongbow as a 17 year old, I felt I had stumbled across the elixir of life.  Cider deadened my feelings of not being enough and made me feel OK about myself momentarily.  I blindly carried on self-medicating with increasingly sophisticated tipples throughout my grown-up life.  When I quit drinking, I felt very vulnerable at first but at around 4 months sober, I noticed a huge shift in my mental health.  The nasty voices in my head shut up and I genuinely started to like myself.  Alcohol never made me feel as good about myself as I do today, almost 12 months alcohol-free.

4. I do not need alcohol to stand out and be noticed

Alcohol definitely helped me stand out and be noticed but primarily for the wrong reasons.  I feel far less insignificant  now and I know I stand out far more as I exude an aura of calm and confidence that I have never had previously.  I think people are more drawn to me as a result, I'm certainly much nicer, happier, more interesting, less bitter and less bitchy company than I ever was before.

5. I do not need alcohol to prop me up when times are tough

Over the years I have turned to alcohol to help me cope with difficult situations, from relationship break-ups and health scares, to bereavements and miscarriages.  In August something shit happened to David and I and it was the only time in the whole of 2018, when I thought how nice it would be to drink so I didn't have to think about what had happened.  However, by facing the situation head on I discovered that I was able to process it relatively quickly and avoid dwelling on it.  If I were still drinking, I'd still be fixated on this now but instead I've put it to bed and moved on. 

6. I do not need alcohol to help me celebrate

Alcohol has always been at my side through the good times and I have many happy memories of celebrating with a glass of something in my hand.  However, there were also times when the booze took control and I ended up celebrating a lot harder than I intended and woke up the next day filled with the fear.  This year I have partied and celebrated hard without my old friend alcohol.  Although it felt very awkward at first and I banished myself to the periphery of the shenanigans, things have improved dramatically as the year has progressed.  Now, going to a party and not drinking feels normal and I feel as comfortable joining in with the fun with a fresh lime and soda in my hand, as I would have done previously with a glass of bubbles.  The added bonus is that I will leave at the right time and wake up without a hangover.

For 30 years, I was captivated by alcohol and the web of lies it cleverly wove.  Now I know it lied to me and the truth is that alcohol is a powerful poison and a highly addictive drug.  I know that some people will feel uncomfortable reading these words - I know I would have done before I stopped drinking.  These changes I have experienced over the last 12 months are proof that this is the truth. Sobriety truly is the best Christmas present I could ever have given myself.  I sincerely hope that someone reading my blog will be able to relate to how I used to feel and my story will give them the confidence to give themself the gift of sobriety.

I really hope you find this useful and if you want to ask me any questions about my experience of getting sober, please do post a comment or privately message me at dreamscheming@gmail.com.

How have I changed since quitting drinking?

I've almost reached the end of my first sober year and  I am so grateful that I woke up to the fact that alcohol was no longer adding value to my life and instead was eroding my self-belief, confidence and happiness. I am thankful that I found the courage to acknowledge and address this and I am glad that I believed that my life could be better.  Since January, hope has been my wing-man.

Over the past year, I feel I have emerged from a slightly fragile and brittle shell and slowly, slowly I have evolved into someone strong, self-assured and courageous.  I had had glimpses of that person over the years but alcohol had muted her by welcoming in self-doubt, fear and shame.  Now, for the first time in my whole life, I can honestly say I am content to be me, I am proud to be me and I like myself.  That's quite a statement from someone who has spent so much time not feeling good enough, clever enough, pretty enough, slim enough, witty enough - you name it enough.  Quitting drinking has allowed me to tap into the person that already existed beneath the layers of insecurities and self-loathing, which were continually being added to by alcohol.

As a result, the main differences I have noticed in myself today versus a year ago are as follow:

Positivity

I have always been adept at over-thinking situations and catastrophising but since stopping drinking my busy mind has calmed down and I no longer  jump to the most negative conclusion and paint the bleakest picture (I wrote about this change in this blog).  Nowadays I rarely dwell on stuff and I am far more likely to put a positive spin on situations and as a result I feel excited about life rather than anxious about what might be, but very probably won't be.

Confidence

This year I have worked hard at being kinder to myself and altering my damaging self-talk.  This has been made so much easier without the cruel chitter-chatter that would fill my head, especially when I was hungover.  I discuss the power of positive words in this blog and explain how by altering my internal monologue I have been able to focus on my positive qualities and finally feel accepting of myself as I am.  The end result being that I feel confident, self-assured and fulfilled.

Bravery

Disposing with the crutch that has propped me up has been a challenge in a world infused with alcohol, but one that I have confronted and conquered.  It took a lot of courage to admit that my relationship with alcohol was becoming toxic (see my goodbye to alcohol blog where I bared my soul) and bravery to do something about it.  Once I had managed to tap into these emotions, other things that had appeared impossible suddenly seemed very possible.  These days my response to invitations to try out new experiences will invariably be met with 'why not' rather than refusals.  Now, I am also much more likely to put myself into uncomfortable, unfamiliar situations with the attitude that I have nothing to lose but everything to gain by giving it a go.  Life is far more exciting with bravery as a companion rather than fear.

2018 has changed me into a girl who wears sequins!

None of the changes I have experienced in 2018 have happened in an instance.  They have all been very gradual and were hardly noticeable for a while.  However, as time has passed, they have become more and more evident and now I can see how they are impacting every aspect of my life.  The person who I have evolved into was always hiding away inside but I just needed to alter my habits and thought patterns to coax her out.  I am so excited that I will be entering 2019 as the person I always hoped I could be.