My top tips for sober socialising

I'm well into my first alcohol-free year and while a lot of the time I feel like I've mastered this new lifestyle, there are other times when I feel a little unsteady and insecure.  Although I haven't once been tempted to drink, there are certain situations that trigger my feelings of anxiety, discomfort and awkwardness.  These are all social situations as I attempt to remain part of my friendship group and try to keep my life carrying on, as much as possible, as before.

In the past week there have been three different situations that have triggered these feelings - all of which I have tried to learn something from.

Alcohol-free socialising

Socialising with close friends
Earlier this week there was a public holiday in Hong Kong so we went away for a long weekend in Bali with close friends.  One night everyone wanted to go drinking at a place which was a 45 minute taxi ride from where we were staying. I didn't want to disrupt plans or stand-out as the pain in the arse non-drinker, however I felt anxious about this all day.  I realised that the source of my anxiety was that I didn’t have an escape route, I was tied to the group because of the expense and potential danger of travelling alone in a taxi back to our villa.

It was the first time I’ve become aware of just how important it is for me to have an easy escape route once friends get their drinking heads on and I need to be able to slope off before we reach 'wheels falling off‘ time.  I know just how selfish people can become under the influence of alcohol as I was one of the worst!  For example, one New Year's Eve I was partying with my best friend who was heavily pregnant and I had promised her that we would leave when she had had enough.  When she eventually came up to me to say she was ready to go home I told her not to be so selfish, berated her about why our night had to end prematurely just because she was pregnant and then carried on partying.  She still brings this up with me today.  So, I guess I'm frightened of being trapped with people like me, who once they start drinking, don't want to stop until they're annihilated.

In the end, it was fine as everyone wanted to leave before things got out of hand but I wasn't able to relax or enjoy myself until I was back in that taxi heading home.

Lesson number one:  always have an escape route

Partying with strangers

One of our friends is leaving Hong Kong and had invited my husband and I to his leaving party.  My husband couldn't make it but I wanted to say goodbye and it was a party on a tram which was going to be a new experience for me.  I was very conscious that this was going to be a challenging evening because I only knew two of the guys attending the party but I decided to be brave - besides I had an easy escape route if things became too difficult.  

I spent the first half of the party sitting quietly on my own, sipping my Coke Zero and observing everything that was going on around me.  What was interesting was that I was quite at ease observing and blending into the background, up until the point that the host came up to me to apologise for the fact that I didn't know many people and I was all on my own.  Then I started spiralling into paranoia that I have turned into a boring, anti-social misfit now that I don't drink and everyone was judging me.  I started to resent the fact that my Coke Zero wasn't making me feel comfortable enough to make small talk with strangers.  Fortunately, some good friends joined the tram party half-way through and these feelings evaporated and I ended up having a really fun night.

Lesson number two: make sure you always have a few allies on-board to hold your hand

Brunching with friends and strangers
Yesterday I went to a brunch with a group of women, half who I know, half who I've never met.  I had a really lovely time and met some really smart, interesting, strong, feisty women - my favourite kind of ladies.  However, I did feel I was much more of a listener than a contributor and I wasn't holding court in the way I might have done if I had been drinking.  I had flashbacks to my awkward teenage years when we would meet up after school with boys from the local boys school and my confident friends would chat away effortlessly with them, while I sat awkwardly twiddling my hair wishing I could find something interesting to say.

It made me realise now that alcohol has been stripped from my life, I really am quite a shy, self-conscious person until I get to know and feel comfortable with people.  The real me is that awkward teenager and booze was just providing me with the bravado I lacked with strangers.  I felt quite exposed without my wine security blanket but I know that coming to terms with the fact that I am not the person I thought I was is just part of this process.

Lesson number three:  learn to accept that you are a slightly different person without alcohol

I sometimes have to remind myself that I am only a few months into changing habits and behaviours that I have been practising for thirty years.  It is not always going to be plain sailing.  The key to keeping on track is to remain aware of how situations make me feel, learning from uncomfortable experiences and putting in place strategies that will protect me from feeling insecure and anxious the next time.

Three reasons why people are secretive about their sobriety

Recently I was out with a group of people, some who I knew and some who I didn't, when one of my friends mentioned my blog.  Naturally I was asked what I blog about so I explained that I currently blog about being alcohol-free.  This sparked a lively discussion about our different relationships with booze.  The next day I received a message from one of the women in the group to say that she too is a non-drinker and has been for two years but is very secretive about it.  Whereas I have made the choice to go completely public about quitting drinking, I completely understand why a large proportion of non-drinkers choose to fly under the radar or remain hidden.

A mockcock

Drinking is the cultural norm

In 'Kick the Drink.... Easily' by Jason Vale, he states that alcohol 'is the only drug in the world where, when you stop taking it, you are seen as having a problem'.  In addition he highlights how alcohol  'remains the only drug on earth you have to justify not taking'.  In this NewStatesman article by Hannah Smith about her experience of quitting drinking, she highlights how 'our society venerates an addictive substance, and then pillories you if there’s even a hint you may have become addicted to it.'  She summarises that when she gave up drinking she was made to feel ashamed of her sobriety.

In this paper printed in The Lancet, twenty drugs were scored on criteria related to overall harm and alcohol scored as the most harmful drug, with an overall harm score of 72. Heroin came in second with a harm score of 55, and crack cocaine scored third with a score of 54. Despite the fact that there is endless research into the dangers of alcohol, there is still the risk that you will be judged and treated as the one with the issue when you decide not to partake.  For many of us that can feel desperately awkward and unjust, so it is often simpler to invent a plethora of excuses as to why we're not drinking (e.g. I'm driving / I'm on antibiotics / I've got a big day at work tomorrow etc.) rather than revealing the truth.

But why don't you drink?

Since I have quit drinking, I have been quite surprised to be on the receiving end of countless interrogations to understand exactly why I have chosen to stop drinking.  I often feel as though the prober is licking their lips in anticipation of tales of waking up in a pile of my own vomit in a police cell with no recollection of how I got there or necking a bottle of vodka for breakfast to be able to face the day ahead.  I'm sorry to disappoint!

In 'This Naked Mind' by Annie Grace she discusses how she's been shocked by the invasive questions she's received, stating 'You wouldn’t ask someone who turned down a glass of milk, “Are you pregnant?” “Are you lactose intolerant?” or “Did you struggle with milk?”'.  In Hannah Smith's NewStatesman article she elaborates that 'drinking alcohol is basically expected in certain situations and if you aren't partaking, people are going to ask you why. saying, "I'm good tonight" isn't enough. People will demand reasons in a surprisingly pushy way.'

In short, having to explain why you are a non-drinker can feel really intrusive and alienating.  Maybe the non-drinker has a medical condition they don't want to discuss with you, maybe they have lost control of their drinking and are doing their best to take back their life, maybe they're pregnant but don't want the world to know yet, maybe they just don't like drinking.  Whatever the reason, it can be really embarrassing (and somewhat ironic) to be put on the spot and forced to elaborate on why we aren't partaking in one of the most addictive and harmful drugs.

Move away from the sober one

Alcohol is a social lubricant.  Annie Grace discusses how 'we’ve been conditioned to drink our entire lives. We’re told alcohol calms and relaxes us, gives us courage, gets us through parties and work events, and makes us happy'.  It is true that alcohol can bring down people's barriers. loosening them up and giving them some common ground to stand on, so when you are the only one abstaining, people can make you feel excluded.  I've noticed that a couple of my friends are absolutely fine with me being alcohol-free up until a certain point in the night where they clearly find my sobriety uncomfortable and they actively avoid me, leaving me feeling like the unpopular kid at school observing them from the periphery.  I do find that hurtful as I'm still the same person, I'm just not f**ked up on booze.

Annie Grace states how 'It is much harder to go against the grain, skipping the drink...than it is to be swept along in our drinking culture. That is courage. Drinking because everyone else is doing it or because you are worried about being left out is not.'   However, it feels awkward and at times lonely standing out from the herd and being the social outcast.

It would help both drinkers and non-drinkers alike if there was more empathy, tact and acceptance around those who choose not to drink. By avoiding making assumptions and asking difficult and intrusive questions you will make it a lot easier for the non-drinker who is probably very awkward about standing out from the crowd with their choice.  Welcome them into the group and don't feel afraid of their sobriety.  The likelihood is that they have done some pretty embarrassing things themselves fuelled by alcohol so they are in no position to judge you and how you behave under the influence.  Finally, if more non-drinkers felt comfortable enough to come out of the closet, it would make it easier for others to go against the grain and embark on an alcohol free life.

If you're interested in finding out more about this then watch Clare Pooley's fabulous Ted Talk on 'Making Sober Less Shameful'.  

How to cope with being alcohol-free when your partner is a drinker

One of the topics that rears its head quite frequently in the soberverse is how you cope with being alcohol-free when your partner is still a drinker and how you sustain your relationship when one of you has made a significant life choice that the other hasn't.  It was certainly one of my major concerns when I decided I was ready to quit indefinitely.  One of the things that drew my husband David and I together was our love of partying, getting drunk, being the last to leave a party and hanging out on boats (with drinks in our hands). Our entire 13 year relationship up until 2018 had pretty much centred around events and gatherings laced with booze.  Since I've stopped drinking, I have been very conscious of the fact that David didn't make this choice (in fact he wasn't even consulted - sorry David) and it would be unreasonable to expect him to adopt the same approach as me. To be honest, his drinking rarely bothers me and it is only on the odd occasion when he stumbles home hammered in the early hours on a school night that I throw my toys out of the pram.

Sober partying

A couple of weekends ago David was on a stag do and when he got back he told me how my non-drinking had been one of the topics of conversation over the dinner table.  The boys had been curious as to how he was managing with having a sober wife as they felt that it could put a strain on our marriage. I presume because this wasn't what David had signed up to, as he's unwittingly traded in the party girl he married with someone who is ecstatic to be in bed with a book and a hot chocolate by 9.30pm.  I suppose there was also a concern that with me no longer partying like before, I'd put the handbrake on his partying.

I decided to do a bit of research into whether marriages were placed under strain when one half quits drinking... big, big mistake!  Several research papers including this one have found that couples with different drinking patterns are more likely to divorce than couples with similar drinking patterns. Nooooo!  So I followed this up by asking David about how he's finding life married to a non-drinker.

I'm really glad I did ask him as it did raise a couple of things that we hadn't discussed and I hadn't really given much thought to.  David explained how it doesn't bother him that I don't drink and he likes the fact that I am a much happier, less angry person.  However, he does feel that I no longer want to go out with him and do the things that he likes doing, like going to pubs and late night bars. He explained how he would love it if we could still go out together like we used to and I realise that he is right and we should.  We're in a partnership and there does need to be a bit of compromise on both sides to make sure this new dynamic works.

At over four months alcohol-free, I am experiencing an internal shift.  Whereas the early days were about staying calm and retreating slightly to stop myself slipping down the boozing path again, I now feel such a strong internal resolve that I am starting to entertain the idea of hanging out in bars and clubs more.  In fact I was at a hen party a couple of weeks ago where I was in a bar very happily sipping mocktails with the girls until late.  So, I know that there is nothing to stop me doing the same with David.

A happy marriage needs to be an equal partnership where both parties support each other in whatever way they can.  Just as David needs to respect and support my alcohol-free lifestyle, I need to respect that he is still going to want to go out drinking and partying with our mates like before and I shouldn't try to alter that - and I wouldn't.  The key to ensuring this is a success for both of us is to keep communicating, keep being sensitive to each other's needs and remaining flexible as we navigate this new way of life together.

Sober rugby