How going alcohol-free can improve your body image

I've almost made it through to Easter alcohol-free...that's 85 glorious hangover free days, or two months and three weeks of mental clarity and positive thought patterns. For now the anger appears to have passed and I'm feeling a lot calmer and remarkably content.  There is one small issue though... my chocolate consumption!

When I decided to give up drinking, I had visions of the weight falling off me and by Easter, a sober, slim and toned butterfly emerging from her chrysalis, replacing the pudgy booze-swilling caterpillar.  Unfortunately, the pudgy booze-swilling caterpillar has been superseded by a chocolate-troughing one.  There is absolutely no sign of a butterfly yet!

In two days time, I leave for a diving holiday in the Philippines where I had envisaged doing the great reveal of the new slim-line me.  Sadly, it is not to be.  However, despite not having the bikini body of a Victoria's Secret model to parade around the beach, my new sober lifestyle has liberated me from a great deal of self-hatred.  In the past I would have berated myself for not having slimmed down and felt ashamed of my inability to be self-disciplined enough to attain an 'acceptable' bikini body.  I would have spent the holiday comparing myself to my friends with their skinny legs and thigh gaps. I would have tried hiding my wobbly, cellulite-y thighs under a sarong as much as possible.  Now though, with my new head on, I can accept that I am an overweight Labrador who loves her food - especially chocolate. I know I have to stop comparing myself to my Whippet, Chihuahua and Afghan Hound friends because we are simply not built the same.  I'm sure I could get slim if I stopped eating but I'd still have disproportionately big thighs and this Labrador's life would be utterly miserable deprived of food.  So, on this trip to the Philippines I intend to embrace my fat, my stretch marks and my cellulite and wear my bikinis with pride - no covering up of the wobbliest, most stretched and dimpled bits. Besides, I do have some really gorgeous bikinis that need showcasing!  I have spent so much of my life hating and feeling ashamed of my body, which is actually pretty strong and surprisingly fit, that it's about time I started to accept it for what it is and show it some love... and reward it with chocolate! 

Now the beer's gone, it's time to cast aside the sarong!

One of the most unexpected outcomes of being alcohol-free is how much healthier and rational my thoughts are. Rather than consistently honing in on the negatives, I am now better equipped to pinpoint a more positive perspective.   The impact has been a shift from a damaging internal dialogue filled with shame and hatred, to one that is kinder, more accepting and more forgiving, resulting in me liking myself a lot more - chocolate addiction, flaws and all.    I found this poem today, which nicely sums up how it feels to have muted my toxic internal monologue at last.

Monsters

The monsters were never
under my bed.
Because the monsters
were inside my head.

I fear no monsters,
for no monsters I see.
Because all this time
the monster has been me.

Nikita Gill 

Follow Nikita Gill on Instagram @nikita_gill - her poems are AMAZING.

If you enjoyed reading this blog and you don't want to miss out on future blogs, please do subscribe by filling in your email address in the follow by email box on the top right hand side of the page.

The truth about anger and PAWS

Today I have finally come to realise that since stopping drinking I have developed a worryingly short fuse - and very quickly, a testing situation can escalate with me morphing into The Incredible Hulk.  Embarrassingly, I had a Hulk moment this morning in the Apple Store and I'm still shaking with rage.

Don't make me angry, you won't like me when I'm angry!

Since the end of last year I noticed that my iPhone battery was running down extremely quickly so today I finally headed to the Apple Store to get the problem fixed.  I deliberately set out to arrive there before the store opened so that I could be one of the first people there before the crowds arrived. It was immediately apparent that a lot of us were suffering with the same issue and a neat line had already formed outside the closed doors, thanks to the friendly guidance of a very helpful member of the Apple Store team.  However, as the security guards raised the doors to open the shop, one 'gentleman' (for gentleman read 'impatient tw*t'), broke free from his position at the back of the line, and sprinted into the shop to gain pole position.  There were a few grunts from the other people in the queue, but his behaviour really enraged me and I completely laid into him for trying to queue barge.  The other people in the queue bowed their heads to avoid the confrontation but I know the guys in front of me were secretly quite pleased that 'impatient tw*t' was pushed off pole position and back to his rightful place at the back of the queue.  While I was waiting to be served all I could hear was him muttering obscenities about me under his breath!  At the same time, I was struggling to suppress my anger.  I'm still feeling angry now, five hours after the incident but really - was it worth getting so worked up about?

This highlighted to me that there have been a few times recently where I have felt irrationally angry and have been unable to control my temper.  When my parents were in Hong Kong we flagged down a taxi to go to the airport.  The taxi had stopped in the street and as we were loading up the boot with all our suitcases, one of the cars behind us started aggressively honking its horn.  Rather than ignoring it, I exploded into a tirade of swear words and one fingered gestures, while my shocked father stood beside me and berated me for my foul language.  To make matters worse, one of the husband's clients was in a convertible car, with its roof down, in between the honking car and our taxi and witnessed the entire sweary episode! 

I've even felt uncontrollably angry in my yoga classes, which are meant to calm me!  Dragon pose definitely brings out the dragon in me.  Last week, while I was attempting to breathe through the pain of stretching in the pose, the instructor repositioned himself so he was crouching in front of me and said 'It's OK to cry!'.  At the time, I didn't want to cry, I wanted to lash out and scream at him for making me hold that shitty, painful position!

Getting home from the Apple Store today, I decided to look up to see whether anger issues were part of the process of going alcohol-free.  I discovered that there are two stages of alcohol withdrawal: the acute withdrawal phase and the post-acute withdrawal (PAWS) phase.  The PAWS phase peaks at around four to eight weeks of being alcohol free and its symptoms include, amongst other things, irritability, attacks of anxiety and sudden mood swings.  It can last for up to two years - so God, help me and all around me!

Writing on the Club Soda website, Laura Willoughby states that: 'The brain has a tremendous capacity to heal but this is not a quick process. When alcohol is consumed it affects the levels of neurotransmitters in the brain, adjusting the way it functions and causing it to become tolerant to and primed for alcohol. If you stop drinking, the brain has to readjust and find a new balance and it is this lag time which contributes towards post acute withdrawal symptoms.'

So, despite the horrifying prospect of possibly two more years of unleashing my inner hulk, it is reassuring to know that there is a reason for this, it will pass and it's just part of the healing process.   In the meantime, for those of you who know me well - you have been warned!  It doesn't take much for the Hulk to make an appearance these days!

If you enjoyed reading this blog and you don't want to miss out on future blogs, please do subscribe by filling in your email address in the follow by email box on the top right hand side of the page.

Three reasons why life is better without alcohol and FOMO

I've noticed a change in me over the past two months of alcohol-free living - FOMO* has left the building.  There have been a few times recently, where the husband has turned to me and asked "Do you mind if I stay out?", to which my response has generally been a swift "No!", as I've hastily grabbed my handbag, flagged a cab and rushed home to the luxury of a good book and starfishing in the bed!  Now, the fact that I'm in my mid-forties and am firmly settled into 'middle-age' may provide part of the reason for this change, but I also know that as a sober person I have been able to make more rational decisions with my crystal clear head.

Up until this year, I frequently didn't want the party to end - following the crowd from bar to bar or refusing to leave the party, while feeding my unquenchable thirst for alcohol, until the night inevitably fizzled out or I had to be medevacked into a taxi by the husband.  This was fuelled by a fear of missing out and the desire to keep drinking because, quite frankly, what else do you do late at night when you're a booze hound?

Now that FOMO has exited my life, I understand that this fear is destructive, stressful and it feeds anxiety.  I am without doubt, benefiting from its absence in a number of ways.

I'm no longer there just for the sake of it

Now, when I'm at a party or out with friends, I am there because I have a genuine desire to be there and to spend time with those people.  I don't just accept every invitation on the off-chance that I may miss out if I don't make an appearance.  To be frank, I’ve had to edit FOMO from my life to avoid situations that may trigger a strong desire to drink and divert me off my path to sobriety. Without the fear of missing out I am able to make more reasoned decisions about what I do and steer a course that better aligns with my well-being.

I focus on a smaller group of friends

FOMO can lead you to spreading yourself really thin and not enjoying quality time with anyone.  Nowadays, rather than being out and sniffing around for the 'What next? /Where now?', I am far more content with spending quality time with my network of close friends, enjoying their company and then calling it a day at the right time, rather than fretting about whether I should be elsewhere, potentially having even more fun.  As a result I am far more present, without a head buzzing with FOMO.

I've eradicated self-destructive behaviour

Without that constant desire to stay out, chasing the illusion of greater amusement elsewhere, I've managed to erase the damage instilled through FOMO.  Research carried out by Texas A&M University shows that a 'wanting more' attitude can be detrimental to us both physically and mentally. It goes on to state that "The problem with FOMO is the individuals it impacts are looking outward instead of inward. When you're so tuned in to the 'other,' or the 'better' (in your mind), you lose your authentic sense of self. This constant fear of missing out means you are not participating as a real person in your own world."

In part FOMO had to be expelled from my life through a necessity to ensure I stay alcohol-free, but also its departure is a natural by-product of my new lifestyle.  The result is definitely beneficial as I feel more in control, calmer and less exhausted without FOMO driving the pursuit to be part of all the potential fun and amusement that is going on.  I'm truly enjoying my less hectic, more peaceful life and I'm far more fulfilled and a happier person as a result.

Me and my mocktail

* FOMO: the fear of missing out. The fear that if you miss a party or event you will miss out on something great.

If you enjoyed reading this blog and you don't want to miss out on future blogs, please do subscribe by filling in your email address in the follow by email box on the top right hand side of the page.