My three top tips for staying alcohol-free after dry January

This morning I received an email from an old friend of mine with the subject 'Inspiration Required', stating: "I think a number of us, especially that are close to completing the usual dry January, could do with a pep talk blog to consider our path. I am not yet minded to abstain for the long term... but through to Easter is a possibility."

My intention is not to make my blog all preachy and self-righteous, I really don't mind if people choose to drink or not and I have no issue being around people who are drinking.  For example, last night I was at the Volvo Ocean Race Prize-Giving Gala Dinner. With well over 500 attendees, I was one of only a handful of non-drinkers but I still had a great night sipping my orange juice and mocktails.

© Erwan Her

However, if you are coming to the end of dry January and thinking maybe, just maybe, you could extend going alcohol-free for a while longer - here is some food for thought.

Change your perception about alcohol

In 'This Naked Mind' by Annie Grace, she discusses how 'almost everything in our society tells you, both consciously and unconsciously, that alcohol is the 'elixir of life', and without it in your life you would be missing a key ingredient'. However, throughout her book she dissects all our justifications for drinking, backed up by the latest scientific research.  She clearly outlines that 'when you completely change your mental (conscious and unconscious) perspective on alcohol, you begin to see the truth about drinking.  When this happens, no willpower is required, and it becomes a joy not to drink.'  

In Jason Vale's 'Kick the Drink... Easily' he states that 'the only thing that keeps people hooked is the illusion created by the drug itself and the years of conditioning and brainwashing'. 

I highly recommend reading Annie Grace's 'This Naked Mind' and/or Jason Vale's 'Kick the Drink... Easily'.  They have completely changed the way I think about drinking and have made it so much easier to stop.  As I've mentioned before I have joined some online sober support communities and countless members of these groups agree that having read these books their perception of drinking has changed, making it simpler to quit.

Focus on the benefits

Jason Vale highlights how ''When you stop drinking you are giving up absolutely … NOTHING! Oh sorry, apart from the headaches, the hangovers, the lethargy, the bad breath, the beer gut, the arguments, the violence, being overemotional, regretting things you have done but can’t remember doing, getting things out of proportion, putting things off all the time, the stress, the overdraft, the taxis, the guilt, the lies, the deceit, the brewer’s droop, the mood swings, the breakdown of the immune system, the lack of resistance to all kinds of diseases, the destruction of brain cells, not to mention the excess weight..."

For me, the benefits to date of going alcohol-free have been:  deep deep sleep; weight loss; increased energy levels; a more positive mindset; no more anxiety; no feelings of shame or embarrassment; generally feeling more able to cope with the crap that life can sometimes throw at us.  I also know that I am only just beginning to scratch the surface.  Things will only carry on getting better going forward.

If you have managed to get through dry January, you really have done the most difficult bit.  From my previous experiences of giving up alcohol for longer than a month, you really do start to reap the rewards from around six weeks onwards.  Why not give it a little longer, you really do have nothing to lose but everything to gain.

Take back control
Maybe like I did, you had a nagging fear that alcohol was stealing your ability to manage your emotions and was causing unhappiness, irritability, fear, anxiety and/or a range of other negative emotions.  Maybe you've noticed that you feel more in control of things and more positive after a month of no drinking.

Annie Grace states that 'Alcohol erases a bit of you every time you drink it.  It can erase entire nights when you are on a binge.  Alcohol does not relieve stress; it erases your senses and your ability to think.  Alcohol ultimately erases your self.'  She goes on to state that - 'for many, alcohol ensnares them at such a slow pace that it's imperceptible.  The changes are subtle.  You come to depend on alcohol, feeling it gives you the courage to face the day, when in reality it steals confidence from you.'

Deep down we all know that alcohol is damaging and controlling us.  This is why we expend so much energy justifying why we are doing it.  Since I have taken back control and stopped drinking, I feel I have regained confidence and I am holding my head higher.  I finally feel a sense of peace and calm which I know I can never achieve when alcohol is controlling my life.

If you want to take back control longer term and feel you need some extra support then join a sober online community like Club Soda or Soberistas.  You will discover many different people from every walk of life facing exactly the same struggles as you.  Realising you are not alone and thousands of others are also wanting to beat booze out of their lives really helps to keep you on track.

So, if you are wondering what to do now that your dry January has come to an end.  Why not challenge yourself and extend it further?  You'll probably find it is far easier than you think.

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Why perfectionism can lead to alcohol addiction

Since I've been posting about my relationship with alcohol and my rationale for breaking up with booze, I have been bowled over by the astoundingly supportive messages I have received from friends and strangers alike.  On Tuesday, a heartfelt message popped up in my email inbox from an old colleague in response to my 'Hope is the only thing stronger than fear' post.  One of her comments really made me think.  She wrote:  "You've always come across as such a confident, self-assured lady - reading your latest blog (and then going back and reading earlier posts) has made me see a very different side to you."   Many of us wear a mask to disguise our weaknesses and vulnerabilities and present a version of ourselves that we want people to see, rather than our true self.  I know that I, in particular, have concealed the real me, especially in a work environment.

Throughout the years when I worked in advertising and marketing, I suffered from imposter syndrome, believing that I was inadequate and a fraud, despite evidence to indicate that I was actually very skilled and successful.  I was a perfectionist, setting excessively high standards for myself and beating myself up when I failed to reach a goal.  I was riddled with self-doubt and worry. I was also a control freak.  This made me terrible at delegating, as I always wanted everything to be done perfectly and my way.  I expected my work to be 100% perfect, 100% of the time.  To my colleagues I must have looked extremely self-assured, confident and on top of everything, but I felt like the elegant gliding swan paddling frantically below the surface.

As I was writing this, I thought to myself, 'Thank God, I'm no longer like that!'  But then I thought back to studying last year and the blog I wrote in November where I talk about striving so hard to achieve a distinction for my DipTESOL that I was suffering from anxiety and panic attacks.  How quickly we forget! To the other people on the course I probably appeared to be over-achieving with consistently high marks, but inside I was wracked with self-doubt and fear that at some point I'd be outed as not being good enough.

This lead me to read up about perfectionism and its impact on our lives.  According to Gnilka, Ashby & Noble (2013) there are two forms of perfectionism: adaptive perfectionism where individuals 'strive towards personal high standards without a crippling self-critical voice when these elevated standards are not met'; and maladaptive perfectionism which 'is associated with extreme self-criticalness and a persistent sense of failure to live up to personal high standards of performance'.  Maladaptive perfectionism has been linked to various psychological outcomes, such as depression, self-esteem and self-confidence.  Rice, Van Arsdale & Amy (2006) go on to highlight how maladaptive perfectionists have significantly higher levels of stress and a tendency to drink to cope. In Rettig's Huffington Post blog about 'Perfectionism And Addiction', she states how perfectionism supports addiction through causing 'persistent feelings of frustration, despair, shame and guilt that an addict might turn to alcohol or some other addictive substance or behavior to soothe'.  I can now see that I have definitely fallen into the maladaptive perfectionist category throughout various chapters of my life and one of my most prevalent uses of alcohol was as a 'soother' and 'stress reliever'.

I know that I focus on presenting the photoshopped version of me to the world and I feel ashamed and embarrassed by my failures.  Maybe some of you can recognise these traits in yourself.  If we all became more comfortable with removing the veneer of perfection,  and embracing (and sharing) our failures as part of a natural learning process on the pathway to success, we could start to make in-roads into leading happier more honest lives with less need to self-medicate with drugs and alcohol.  One of my favourite Nelson Mandela quotes is: “Do not judge me by my successes, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again.”  It's time to start applying this to my life and accepting that I will never be perfect.  I need to be less harsh on myself, embrace the real flawed me and keep getting up, dusting myself down and carrying on without beating myself up.

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Four unfamiliar aspects of going alcohol-free

Following on from yesterday's blog 'Same same but different - part one' where I looked at the aspects of going alcohol free that I have found similar to my previous attempts at sobriety, today I am looking at the differences.

Bye bye booze!

So, what is different this time around?

Putting my story out there - Brené Brown states that 'owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.'  So, I have taken the decision to share my story - warts and all - and out myself as a fledgling member of the sober revolution.  Through revealing my vulnerabilities I am connecting with a staggering number of people who can relate to where I have been and where I want to end up.  I also hope to recruit a few others to join the revolution so they can share the same positive changes as me.

My support network - This comment was posted on Facebook about my blog this week - 'Stopping is one thing. Staying stopped is another. It is the hardest, yet most rewarding journey ever. I hope she finds the right people to support her'.  I wholeheartedly agree with this sentiment as I am pretty good at stopping but pretty poor at remaining stopped and I know the importance of finding a supportive tribe to fight my corner with me.  This time around I have taken a different approach and I am shouting from the roof tops that I am no longer drinking, to rally the backing of friends. I am also using sober support networks to keep me on track.  For anyone interested in adopting a similar approach, Club Soda seems to be home to the most like-minded ex-drinkers for me.  What I love about these alcohol free groups is that they are ridiculously supportive and non-judgmental because we've all been there, done that and got the T-shirt.

Overcoming the stigma of being a non-drinker - Clare Pooley, author of The Sober Diaries writes on her blog: 'When I first quit drinking, I told no-one... I imagined that if I told my friends that I'd quit that they would judge me and assume that I'd been a terrible lush (partly true) and a terrible mother (not true, at least not most of the time). I thought they'd label me boring and stop inviting me to parties. I thought they'd worry that I'd become all preachy and judgmental (as if I'm in a position to judge anyone!)..'  Most of these thoughts have been running through my mind and it's apparent that there's something wrong with our society for us to feel marginalised for giving up an addictive substance! The more I have read, written and published, the more I realise that these prejudices and stigmas stem from systematic brainwashing and fear.  I am starting to see that there does seem to be a growing army of us who are calling bullshit on the 'boring'/'judgmental'/'raging alcoholic' labels attached to non-drinkers and I want to be on the front line of that army obliterating those stigmas and making it easier for others to make the same choice as me and to be able to talk about it with pride.

My resolve - I have stopped drinking a gazillion times before, but mostly as a temporary thing with a fixed end date so from day one I was always counting down to when I could drink again.  I know now that I don't want to leave the door ajar to the possibility of drinking and my resolve is set very firmly on this final break-up with alcohol.  Jason Vale states that 'once you make a firm decision [to stop drinking alcohol], you cut off any other possibility and doubt; so whatever happens in your future life, drinking alcohol is not just not an option but something that you have no interest in doing.  You have moved on and are free.'

And that really sums up how I feel about drinking right now.  It's over, once and for all, and I've already taken the first steps into my new life without booze and I feel free.

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Six familar aspects of going alcohol-free

I have now been alcohol free for more than two weeks - with the exception of the little splash of red wine I added to some Quorn mince, which quite frankly needed all the help it could get to taste of something.  I have given up booze many times and often reached this point but this time it does feel quite different in certain respects - although reassuringly familiar in others.

The familiar aspects are:

The chocolate cravings - Due to alcohol being converted to sugar in the body, when you quit drinking your body craves sugar. Last week I seemed powerless to resist the call of M&S chocolate & orange mini bites and giant chocolate buttons.  Damn you M&S and your yummy chocolate!  Research suggests that sugar has a similar effect on the brain’s levels of dopamine, a neurotransmitter controlling the brain’s reward and pleasure areas, as alcohol. So this week my focus is on breaking the chocolate cravings before I replace one dependency with another.  So far.... not so good though!

Move away from the chocolate!

The deep deep sleep - After the first week of disrupted sleep and disturbing dreams, I am now sleeping ridiculously deeply.  I cannot over emphasize how blissful it is to wake up every morning feeling properly rested and raring to grab hold of the day ahead.  There is extensive research to support the fact that 'alcohol affects sleep, daytime alertness, and certain physiological processes that occur during sleep' - so it's no wonder that my sleep has improved so dramatically.

The increased energy levels - Without alcohol in my life and probably thanks to being well rested, my energy levels are off the scale.  Last week I hiked 60km, walked up 588 floors and stretched my way through three yoga classes - which can only be a good thing bearing in mind the vats of chocolate I have consumed!

Hiking, hiking and more hiking...

The weight loss - After I got back to Hong Kong after Christmas, I gingerly stood on the scales and nervously looked down to see the damage caused by a month being back on the booze again. I was horrified to see that I had gained 3.5kgs.  However, two weeks down the line and I've already lost all of that weight.  With booze being loaded with calories, it is not surprising research shows that the men and women consuming the greatest quantity of alcohol tend to have the highest BMIs.  As such, I'm hoping the scales will continue to follow a downward trend from now on.

The positive mindset - Right now I am nestled in a lovely warm, cosy, aura of contentment and positivity, although I am conscious that this may be what ex-drinkers call the 'pink fluffy clouds' - an intense feeling of happiness that moves in to replace the lows of drinking. Long may this feeling last! There are loads of resources on the DrinkAware website explaining the impact of alcohol on our mental health and I am relishing the lifting of my dark rain clouds without booze in my life.

The doubters - Those pesky little doubters and sober saboteours are still out there in force and the more drunk they get, the more persistent they become. On Saturday night I went to a pub quiz and at the start of the night I received nothing but praise and admiration for choosing to stop drinking.  However as the night progressed, the banter escalated.. 'You don't know what you're missing' 'Mmm, are you jealous?' How long is this going to last? 'I give you until April' 'What addiction are you going to replace the booze with?' etc. and it was revealed there is a sweep stake on how long it will be before I relent and drown myself in red wine.  All I can say is the more you doubt me, the stronger my resolve becomes!

So, what is different this time around? Read tomorrow's blog to find out.....

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Why alcohol-free living is filled with hope

At the start of October last year I was feeling exceptionally low.  I couldn't really pin point why but I felt myself sinking into a very negative space where I felt angry and unable to cope.  I was aware that I was binge-drinking as a crutch which was counter-productive as it simply made me feel worse about myself.  One morning, I found myself hiking up the Peak - my go to activity to make me feel happy - in floods of tears and I decided that enough was enough and it was time to seek professional help.

I found a counsellor who specialised in issues around 'self' and binge-drinking and spewed my worries out on an email to her.  She instantly responded saying that my issues were well within her scope of work and asked me to complete a client in-take form, which contained some fairly soul searching questions.  After I sent back the form, the counsellor suggested some times we could meet but unfortunately none of them worked with my teaching schedule.  As I felt that she had the right skill set to help me, I didn't really want to see anyone else so I temporarily parked the idea of going to counselling.

However, the process of completing the in-take form did clarify that my relationship with alcohol was far from healthy, so I made the decision to quit drinking for a while to see if that improved my mental state.  To avoid the difficult questions and the potential sober saboteurs, I told my friends I was on a health and fitness regime and was looking to lose 10kgs before Christmas.  This worked well and I didn't experience the usual barrage of abuse and constant haranguing of 'don't be so boring',  'can't you just have one', 'when are you going to start being fun again' etc.

I stopped drinking for seven and a half weeks and in that time I noticed many dramatic changes.  I lost 5kgs, I went down a dress size, my skin became much clearer, I looked younger, I slept really well and people kept telling me how great I looked.  The most notable change though was just how quickly my mental health changed for the better.  My anxiety, anger and negativity were replaced with feelings of extreme contentment and positivity.

Slipping back into my drinking ways over Christmas, it was very revealing to see how quickly all of these positives could be reversed.  As a result this has helped to strengthen my resolve to make alcohol free living a permanent fixture in my life from now on.

Out of the blue, the counsellor got back in touch with me this week to apologise for not having been able to work out a time to meet last year and to find out if we could set something up now.  I explained how after I had originally contacted her, I quit drinking, my mindset changed dramatically and I felt better about myself. I told her how I've realised that I am much more stable and content without booze in my life and how I am using online support groups, self-help books and my blog to keep me motivated to make this change for the better.  I also sent her a link to my goodbye to alcohol letter which has now received almost 10,000 views.  I said that I didn't feel the need to see her now but I would be in touch if things changed.

She sent me back an amazing response asking if I would be prepared to speak at an event in the future, as she has many clients who are hooked on alcohol and she is looking to run a programme for alcohol.  Me...speaking as an ex-drinker!  Who would've thought it!  She ended the email by saying:

I share all this with you as it sounds like you are a leader and you may come across people who find it harder than you to quit. I am inspired by your story!

It made me feel so proud of what I've achieved so far and so hopeful, rather than afraid, of my booze-free future.

Today, I dug out the client in-take form I completed back in October.  On the form I stated that the goals I wanted to achieve through counselling were as follows:

'I want to be content and accept myself no matter what.  I want to stop comparing myself to others.  I want to stop thinking others are saying/thinking negative things about me. I want to feel 100% secure.'

I know without a shadow of a doubt that without alcohol in my life, all of these goals are well within my grasp.  I am no longer afraid - I am brimming with hope.

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Can you celebrate without alcohol?

Yesterday I had some fantastic news. After a six week wait, I finally received my DipTESOL exam results and I got 77%! Rather disappointingly this was 3% short of a distinction but at times I never thought I would even manage 50% for the written exam, so I’m really not complaining. Here’s my exam paper if you are interested in taking a look to see what all the fuss was about. This result combined with the results of my assessed teaching, my research projects and my phonology exam mean that I have achieved a distinction overall for my DipTESOL which I am ecstatic about. This is the culmination of a year’s worth of seriously hard graft and I’m really proud of my achievement.

However, the excitement of getting the result I’ve been dreaming of over the past year fell a little flat now that I am ‘on the wagon’. Normally, I would use an event like this as an excuse to go out for a some exotic cocktails and/or a glass bottle of bubbles. Instead, to keep me away from the enticing embrace of alcohol, I checked into my yin yoga class and meditated rather than self-medicated! Although the eight hours of blissfully deep sleep that resulted from the yoga was a welcome reward, it didn’t really recompense the 12 months of hard slog I put into getting my DipTESOL. So now that I am alcohol-free, I am going to have to learn some alternative ways to celebrate that don’t involve cracking open a bottle.

Therefore, on Friday night, the husband and I are trying an experiment. We are going out for a booze-free dinner together to see if we can celebrate in style without a bottle of wine or two. My concern is that although we will feel fabulous on Saturday morning waking up without hangovers, there will be a wine shaped void at the dinner table, resulting in us potentially feeling deprived and subdued. It is the flavours of the red wine accompanying the food that I will miss, even more so than the initial ‘and relax...’ feeling I get from my first sip of wine. Somehow, a bottle of San Pellegrino doesn’t have quite the same appeal as an Argentinian Malbec or a full bodied Cabernet Sauvignon. If I was in England I would try experimenting with dealcoholized red wine but although I’ve searched high and low for it here in Hong Kong, I can only find alcohol free beer and I’d never choose to drink beer with a meal. Perhaps we will push the boat out and try a fancier restaurant than we would usually go to and start off with some exotic mocktails to rev up our first alcohol-free celebration.

The reality is that over the years I have used alcohol as a reward, a confidence booster, an emotion suppressor, a special event marker, a comforter... and so on. As a result it is going to take time to erase these ingrained habits, to learn new behaviour patterns and make them become second nature. Learning how to celebrate without using alcohol is no doubt the first of many hurdles to overcome in the coming months.

I’ll let you know how my booze free celebration goes!

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The first three things I learnt after giving up alcohol

Today is my fifth alcohol free day and the idea of having a drink hasn’t crossed my mind.  However, I have made a few observations about my new booze-free lifestyle.

The first is that I have had four absolutely terrible night’s sleep.  My brain has been totally preoccupied with planning life without alcohol and won’t shut down.  The only positive to the sleep deprivation is that it has given me plenty of time to read about sobriety.  For anyone considering going alcohol free, I highly recommend reading Jason Vale’s ‘Kick the Drink Easily’, which is written in a similar style to Allen Carr’s ‘Easy Way to Stop Smoking’ and shatters many conceptions about drinking and has certainly helped me to alter how I see alcohol and its role in my life.  I have also read a book by Clare Pooley, an ex-colleague from London advertising days, called ‘The Sober Diaries’ and I’m half way through ‘The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober’ by Catherine Grey.  Both are well written and provide helpful advice framed in honest and often witty accounts of their journey to sobriety.  Knowing others have paved the way and their lives have improved immeasurably as a result is reassuring.

Apart from the lack of sleep I have noticed the varying responses I have had to my decision to give up drinking.  Mostly I’ve been completely overwhelmed by the tidal wave of support I’ve received since publishing my ‘Goodbye to Alcohol’ letter – thank you!  However, I have also had comments of dismay, inferring that I am now confined to a life as a social hermit missing out on all the fun.  Even my husband alluded to this by remarking that by going alcohol free we would spend less time together.  This is undoubtedly true in that we will spend less late night drunk time together when I would invariably speak a load of bollocks, get aggressive, possibly fall over and not remember much of it in the morning, so I don’t think this is necessarily a bad thing!

Having read my letter, another friend asked me ‘Are you an alcoholic?’. This reaction is apparently fairly typical when people announce they are quitting drinking.  This is highlighted in Jason Vale’s ‘Kick the Drink Easily’ where he states:

“We have been conditioned to believe that you are either a ‘normal’ drinker or that you have lost control and are an ‘alcoholic.’ As a result, people who have finally woken up to the fact that they are not in control have to keep quiet about it for fear of being made an outcast. If they are brave enough to voice a desire to stop drinking, they are called alcoholics which suggests they have an incurable disease and would have to ‘give up’ drinking forever. This is an unwelcome and frightening thought for anybody who drinks. The truth is that the vast majority of people are never in genuine control of their alcohol intake.”

In short, I believe that I am alcohol dependent, alcohol often controls me and I want to change that.

My final observation occurred on my way to work this morning.  I bumped into a bloke I met in a bar a while back when I was watching rugby and knocking back vats of red wine.  Having not seen him for some time he suggested that my husband and I met up with him for a drink at the Foreign Correspondents Club and my knee-jerk response was an apologetic ‘Oh no, I’m sorry, I don’t drink any more’.  He looked genuinely surprised and said ‘You don’t have to drink alcohol.  I don’t care what you drink!’  How fucked up is it that I felt the need to apologise for not drinking and assumed that someone wouldn’t want to meet me if I wasn't quaffing alcohol?  It’s obvious I still have some way to go to fully accepting this new way of life.

So, overall what I have learnt over the last five days is:

1. Not sleeping is really irritating but it is possible to use the time productively.
2. By being honest and open you quickly find you have an army of supporters and that you are absolutely not alone... and that is just the best feeling!
3. I’m not going to be apologetic for not drinking.  I’m going to be proud.  This is my new normal.

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Why I'm stopping drinking alcohol

After having spent last October and most of November totally sober and having felt absolutely great as a result, I have made the decision to go alcohol free for 2018.  I know it's not going to be easy but I am planning to use my blog as therapy to help me get through the tougher times.  Any support you lot can give me will also be very gratefully received.

Today, I have written my goodbye letter to alcohol.

Dear alcohol

We’ve been together for many years now – 30 to be exact.  I instantly fell in love with you and from our first proper encounter in a field in Dorset swigging from a bottle of Cinzano with school friends, I have been completely devoted to you.  From day one you instantly put me at ease, gave me confidence and made me feel better about being me.  As a teenager you made me feel less awkward, less worthless and able to compete with my cooler, more attractive and wittier friends.  With you by my side I could stand out and be noticed too and be the person I wanted to be.  However, even in those early days of our relationship you always controlled me more than I could ever control you and a little bit of you was never enough.

By the time I left school, I was utterly obsessed with you. I couldn’t get enough of you.  You were constantly by my side.  We created some amazing memories together, particularly during my first taste of real freedom and independence at Art College in Canterbury, during my hedonistic summers spent in Greece and in my early days in London.  However, before long you also coerced me into making dangerous decisions like provoking fights, getting into dodgy minicabs on my own  and going home with strangers.  Your pervasiveness resulted in trips to A&E for x-rays and stitches and you also started to erase some of my memories leaving me feeling paranoid, ashamed and disgusted with myself.  However, I brushed this under the carpet and I stuck with you, pretending our relationship was fine.

During my difficult times, like family bereavements, the break-down of friendships, the break-up of relationships, my four miscarriages and the cancer scares, I’ve leant on you more heavily.  When my job felt crushingly stressful and my life felt unmanageable, I’ve relied on you as a crutch.  Nevertheless, the more I’ve needed you, the more you’ve let me down.  Rather than wrapping me in your comforting security blanket like you used to, you’ve increasingly left me feeling anxious, fearful, incapable and overwhelmed with self-loathing and shame.   Our relationship has started to feel toxic and I need out before I slip down a more self-destructive path.

So alcohol, we’ve had some wild times together and I am walking away from this relationship with many good memories as well as the bad.  However, recently the bad have outweighed the good and it’s time to move on. You have been with me for all of my adult life and I am scared of the future without you.  I’m scared my husband won’t want to be with a teetotal wife having married a lush, I’m scared friends will find me boring, I’m scared I’ll never have the confidence to dance on a table or belt out karaoke again, I’m scared no one will choose to hang out with me... the list goes on.  However, I am also hopeful of a future without hangovers, without waking up with limited memory of the night before and without the paralysing remorse.  I am hopeful that I can find ways to like myself more and develop coping strategies that don’t involve opening a bottle.  I am hopeful that I can navigate my way to finding a bit of peace and calm without your presence in my life.  So, thank you alcohol for the fun times but after 30 years, it’s finally time to move on.

Lots of love

Adrienne

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