Starting the next chapter

A month has passed since I was gainfully employed and I have been resolute in finding ways to give my life the purpose I feel it has been lacking.  My primary challenge has been to investigate how I can earn money doing something meaningful, balanced with having sufficient time to dedicate to my writing.  I am proud to say that despite reaching rock bottom shortly before leaving my job, I have quickly managed to pick myself up and start working towards my path to contentment.

I have applied for a place on the Trinity CertTESOL course to train to teach English as a second language and have been accepted on January's course.  The first step to attaining a salary to fund the writing, which should hopefully simultaneously provide me with a renewed sense of meaning.  I am also starting to volunteer at one of the YWCA kindergarten's one morning each week from next week, where I will read stories in English, to children aged between two to six.  While this fills me with slight trepidation, it will give me my first taste of dealing with very young Cantonese school children.  The Faith Hope Nursery School is on the Lower Wong Tai Sin Estate in Kowloon and should expose me to some of the less affluent inhabitants of Hong Kong - a side of Hong Kong I have been disconnected from since arriving here.

One of the things I love the most about Hong Kong is that if you are passionate about committing to something, there will undoubtedly be a networking group or club you can join to advance your passion.  In the past month I have become a member of WIPS (Women in Publishing) and submitted my first short story which will be published in the next couple of months in Imprint - WIPS' annual anthology of members' work.  This will be the first time a piece of my work has ever been published and I can't wait to finally see my words in print.

I have attended one of the events organised by WIPS about finding a literary agent.  I returned feeling slightly despondent that the path to being published is clearly going to be far harder than I ever hoped.  It has encouraged me to find out more about self-publishing and I am attending a further WIPS event in November about creating eBooks.  Unprompted, my lovely cousin, Patrick Fidgen, also sent me a lengthy email about the ins and outs of self-publishing which is also a useful start point for a complete novice like me.

Finally, tonight, for the first time, I have met up with a group of Hong Kong based writers who get together every Tuesday night in a coffee shop in Central to write.  I have quickly discovered that writing can be a fairly isolating activity.  However, somehow, sitting in a bustling cafe with a small group of people also trying to craft their own short stories, novels or screen-plays, is strangely sociable. Even if you are barely engaging in more than a few minutes of conversation, before returning to your computer screen, it is comforting to be in other people's company.  Tonight's meet-up has opened the door to further creative writing groups and introduced me to 'NaNoWriMo' - National Novel Writing Month - where writers are challenged to write 50,000 words of their novels during November.  A challenge I am considering taking up.

I am really pleased with the progress I have made in the last month and feel excited about what I could achieve over the next year on my new journey, if I can accomplish so much in 30 days.  For the first time in a long time I feel energised, motivated and positive and it feels fantastic.

Finding my baby

In retrospect it is clear to see that my current situation was an unexploded bomb waiting to be unearthed.  Regardless of whether I had stayed in the UK or moved to Hong Kong, it was inevitable that at some point, I would have questioned my purpose and been drawn off the hamster wheel.  In many ways, moving to Hong Kong was an escape from my draining job and a sense that I was struggling to see where I fitted into society any more.  Finding I had secured a significantly more demanding job, and unwittingly, packed this sense of ‘not belonging’ into my suitcase, was the proverbial ‘straw that broke the camel’s back’.

This feeling of no longer ‘fitting in’ is connected to being in my early 40s and childless.    You are conditioned from an early age to believe that your life should follow a structure comprising: going to school; completing university; securing a job; getting married; having kids; living happily ever after; the end.  I believe that when you are unable to tick one of these boxes you feel in some ways you don’t belong.  In our case fate has teased us with the hope of a family four times, and each time cruelly snatched that hope away.   No longer having the emotional strength or inclination to open that chapter again, we are left with a feeling of ‘now what?’  We have involuntarily signed up to a minority group that we never wanted to join in the first place.

I have just read a book by Kasey Edward’s called “30-Something and Over it:  What Happens When You Wake Up and Don’t Want to Go to Work… Ever Again” – I wonder what drew me to purchase this particular tome?  In the book she cites a psychologist, Erik Erikson, who talks of life being split into stages and outlines what we need to do at each stage to be happy, fulfilled and functional.  The seventh life stage, which starts when you reach your 30s, is called ‘Generativity vs Stagnation’.  The premise is during this phase we need to dedicate ourselves to caring for, and passing on our skills and knowledge, to the next generation – or we stagnate.  A depressing thought for a full-fledged member of the childless minority group.  However it goes some way to explaining my feelings of dissatisfaction and purposelessness, and my current desire to ensure my life is serving something bigger than just me.

Now that the metaphorical bomb has exploded, the process I am going through is defining what my ‘baby’ is going to be so I can continue to lead a fulfilled and happy life, rediscover a sense of belonging, and not stagnate.  I have no doubt I will find the answers and each day I am making little steps in the right direction – it is just a rather painful, but necessary, episode to work through.

Jumping off the hamster wheel

When I started this blog it was meant to be a lighthearted look at the thrill and adventure of moving to a new country, documenting the alien and exotic experiences David and I were to encounter.  I wanted to write about living 6,000 miles away from family, friends and our dog in a new, exciting and vibrant place of opportunity where we could further our careers, earn lots of money and return home to England financially secure and fulfilled.  Instead, I feel it has developed into a cathartic outlet for me to vent my frustrations and inner turmoil.

In many ways my expectations of moving to Hong Kong have been met.  We have made our small, but perfectly adequate apartment in the buzzing Mid-Levels, our home.  We are developing an ever-increasing circle of close friends.  We have become active members of Royal Hong Kong Yacht Club.  I found a hairdresser that can tame humidity-induced frizzy hair issues.  And I secured a job that would further my career.  So, within a couple of months of moving to Hong Kong, we were definitely on-track to return home with healthy bank accounts.

Unfortunately my job did not work out leading me to scrutinise every aspect of my life and ultimately my purpose.  Since leaving work I have had time to draw breath and start evaluating what is important to me and what I want from life - which had become a necessity rather than a luxury.  I realise that I have been pounding around the advertising and PR hamster wheel for almost twenty years now, and while from the outside I have been moderately successful, inside I feel depleted and dissatisfied.

Stopping has allowed me to see what a pointless, hedonistic existence I have been leading.  Working long hours, not sleeping properly, feeling so anxious at times I couldn't breathe, worrying and brooding about anything and everything, and snapping at my lovely husband.  Yet each month taking my fat pay cheque to invest in the nice car to look the part, to squander on alcohol and cigarettes to 'ease the stress', to splurge on clothes and shoes to make me feel better, and to fritter away on 'stuff' to clutter my house that I never needed.

So if my chosen career and money isn't the key to happiness, the question is, what is?  I know that I get great pleasure from writing and I think I'm OK at it.  However, I'm a realist and much as I would love to be the next Marion Keyes/David Nicholls/Adele Parks/Jilly Cooper, this isn't going to happen overnight (if at all!).  We have bills to pay and Hong Kong is an expensive city to live in - although it is possible to live here a lot more cheaply than we have been.

I am keen to explore doing something to give my life more meaning than filling the pockets of the shareholders of a faceless American holding company.  Therefore I am investigating TESOL courses, giving me the necessary qualifications to teach English to school children.  While I may have to cultivate my patience, it would allow me to reignite my creative side that has laid dormant since Art College and Uni. Reassuringly I have been told that helpers are present in the schools to clear up any 'accidents'.  It will also give me the opportunity to work part-time if necessary, freeing me up to spend more time writing.

As I spend the next couple of months taking time out to consider my future direction, I am back to writing my book... 17,000 words down.... 73,000 or so to go!  And while I'm not sure exactly what is going to give me a sense that my life is serving something bigger than just me - I am absolutely sure that it will not be by throwing myself back onto the hamster wheel.